bearing blog


bear – ing n 1  the manner in which one comports oneself;  2  the act, power, or time of bringing forth offspring or fruit; 3 a machine part in which another part turns [a journal ~];  pl comprehension of one’s position, environment, or situation;   5  the act of moving while supporting the weight of something [the ~ of the cross].


  • The new ground rules.

    For a couple of years, 2008 or so, I wrote frequently about exercise and eating strategies.   Sometimes I wrote about how those intersect with theology of the body, or Thomist morality.  I returned to the topic sporadically, but not steadily, since then.  It's been a while since I've written much.

    I wrote all that because I was in the midst of two major life changes.

    • First, that year when my third child was a toddler, I was prioritizing regular exercise for me for the first time.  Having taken lessons before that pregnancy, afterwards I started swimming twice a week, later adding running.   In order to keep it up, I thought, I had to be obsessive and inflexible; for better or worse, I was obsessive and inflexible, and I did keep it up.  Still am doing it today.

     

    • Later, after the shock of having sustained this new habit for several months, I began restricting calories, and over the course of about six months I lost 27 percent of my initial body weight.    Having thought of myself as perpetually dumpy and sedentary since childhood, I found myself now active, and also, not fat.

    Note the causality:  My writing about this didn't bring it about.  I wrote because I was having what I called success, and I was desperately trying to make sense of it.  I needed to understand why it was happening, was because I was afraid that if I didn't figure out why it was happening, I would not be able to keep from going back to "the way I was before."

    + + +

    Ha.  As if I could slip back accidentally to "the way I was before."   Back to my early thirties?  I am older!  Human beings are not reversible.  For one thing, my windows of possibility have shifted.  For another, I understand more.

    I've learned that the effort required to track calories closely enough to override the body's own cues is seriously intensive, tends to push out other satisfying activities, and requires a constant input of motivation.   And I've learned that I don't want to live in that kind of monomaniacal relationship with myself.

    It may seem odd, but motivation itself is part of the problem.  I do lift myself up with messages that are true and encouraging, and celebrate with rewards that are both pleasant and good.    That's great when they work.  But if those don't do the job, I've often been tempted to use any mental means to the end of self-control:  shame, fear, dwelling on bad memories, threats of self-punishment; contempt for my body, contempt for other bodies.    Those thoughts still pop up, even though I understand better the damage they can do.

    + + +

    Sometimes I betrayed those thoughts in my writing.

    Writing has been a way to motivate myself, maybe spread a little motivation to others who might enjoy it.  I think this is, in principle, a worthy endeavor.   I've always used writing to to see if my ideas make sense and to improve them, and the promise (threat) of a small audience raises the stakes enough to make it meaningful.    I feel reward when a reader comments that something clicked, gave them an idea, helped.   

    But when you write, in part, as a tool to root out error…. a corollary is that frequently, the error spends some time noodling around on the page.  And one might not catch them all.    It's not inherently wrong to try to work out ideas in public that way.  But there are limits. 

    First of all, I have to be clear about what I'm doing (sometimes, literally, making it up as I go along).

    Second:  when the topic is one that has been as historically fraught as exercise and diet and body image and fat loss, one about which many people carry a great deal of internalized harm… I need to be selective about setting down those first drafts of my thoughts. 

    Because I also carry internalized messages that have power, and maybe not just over me.  Some of my thoughts are not great, especially some that in the intervening years I've learned to recognize as intrusive thoughts.  It might help me to exorcise them by giving voice to their content, but will it help anyone else?  If I'm going to straighten myself out by writing about those, best to write them longhand on one of the yellow pads I buy by the case, at least in first draft.  And maybe just keep them to myself, or share with a therapist instead.

    + + + 

    It's hard for me to precisely sort my previous writing about this stuff into "definitely okay, maybe even good" and "definitely problematic."  I've considered going back and editing, but the task is too overwhelming.  I've considered deleting stuff, but I think there are kernels of insight there worth rescuing.   For now it's still all there, waiting for me to decide what to do about it.

    Meanwhile:  I'm changing up my lifestyle once again.  I'm committing myself to strengthen patterns of thinking that are much more compatible with good mental health and body care.   I would very much like to clarify them by setting them out on the blog. 

    But:  when I blogged about fitness and nutrition before, expressing what I was going through 10-12 years ago, I wanted to write conversationally and frankly but that really amounted to being careless:  careless about language, careless about the words I used relative to the philosophy of the human person; careless about how pouring all my unfiltered thoughts out on the page might affect people who have a history of eating disorders, or of scrupulosity, or of difficulty caring for themselves.   I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

    Would it be better just to… not write about this sort of thing at all?  I'm open to that possibility.  I'm not sure I can find out unless I give it a try.

    What if I could write about it without making those mistakes?  What would it look like?  

    + + +

    A photograph of handwriting on paper that reads "Ground Rules."

    Ground rules.

     

    1.  I will not conflate weight, fatness, or appearance with health.   

    It's not just that these, as indicators of health, are poor and incomplete—though they are.   

    It also means no more blithe writing about "desire for health" as a nobler-sounding euphemism for desires to look better, be less fat, or weigh less.  Pretended concern for "health" has justified many rude and abusive people.   Let me call things what they are.

    A crucial reason to carefully acknowledge the difference:  Fat people frequently report that health care providers become fixated on fatness as the primary indicator of their health, the sole probable cause of pain or other symptoms, and the first problem that must be "fixed" before they are allowed to access other levels of care.  (See this recent commentary by Aubrey Gordon.)

     

    2.  I will acknowledge other biomarkers of general health that are better-supported by evidence.  

    Anyone can self-assess the time they spend physically active, the number of alcoholic drinks they have per week, the hours they sleep, the number of fruit/vegetable portions they are able to serve themselves each day.   These behavior-based markers are much more often under an individual's direct control (although the range of available choice varies).  Hydration can be assessed by checking if the urine is consistently a pale yellow color.  Blood pressure,  lipid panels, and blood glucose testing are accessible to those who can afford at least annual basic preventive care.   

    As for body-size-related markers of general health, my understanding is that neither body-fat percentage, nor weight, nor BMI work well at all as a predictor of eventual development of cardiovascular or metabolic disease.  The one exception may be waist circumference.   If I find myself casting about for a NUMBER, perhaps that one will work; otherwise, maybe I need to write something else.

    (Two examples of papers with this finding; two examples don't substitute for a careful literature review, of course.  Note that adjusting the results for BMI does appear to improve the correlation.  This is possibly because it brings in a dependence of height; naturally short stature is itself an attribute that raises the risk of developing these diseases.)    

     

    3.  I am not a fitness professional.  I am not a health care provider.  I am not a registered dietician.

    I have my own experience.  I have scientific training; it is not in this field, but I have good scientific literacy and am able to assess the general usefulness of papers and applicability of research.   I know where to go for more information, and I know how to identify the difference between a broad scientific consensus and a matter with competing viable theories.   I also know how to take a piece of popular science writing and pick it apart, if I want to, or use it for entertainment purposes, if I want to do that instead.  All these mean that I can form an educated and reasonable opinion (you will not catch me scoffing about "Dr. Google," any more than I would scoff at public access to medical libraries), and I can write commentary about it if I like.  These are not, however, substitutes for authority.  I'm an educated amateur, not an expert in any of these areas, and I have an academic responsibility to remain clear about that to anyone who stumbles across my blog.

    (This isn't a ground rule about which I really needed a reminder.  I try hard to live by it anyway.  But I thought it worth mentioning for completeness.)

     

    4.  No biomarker, and few health-related behaviors, imply a specific moral conclusion.

    Yeah, I know myself (imperfectly).   I might be able to tell you when I've made a poor choice, or developed a poor habit, or experienced a consequence, for lack of some virtue.   I know where I have agency, and I have some ideas where my agency has been damaged by circumstances.  I don't know that about others.  I can't speak for everyone else.

    Assumptions about real people are tricky at best, and at worst they are outright bad and harmful.

    Moreover, the following ought to go without saying:  there are no bad foods, there are no bad bodies, there is no such thing as cheating.  There is room for rest, and room for feasting, and room for fun, and no one else gets to tell you how much; there is room for you.

     

    5.  Nevertheless, I'll stand by this:  morality, theology, charity, the philosophy of the human person, the demands of justice, aren't off limits here.

    Nothing that human beings do or decide is untouched by the disciplines and philosophy of my faith tradition, and there aren't many traditions that pretend otherwise for themselves.    I hope to explore them in a way that doesn't violate the very principles I'm seeking to understand.  I'm not certain that I can, but I hope to.  

    It is good to use appropriate self-discipline to strengthen virtue.  It is good to consider how to use resources prudently.  It is good to exercise detachment from outcomes.  At the same time, discipline is personal, resources are personal, outcomes are definitely personal.  So I need to take care:  if I write about my discipline and my resources, I need to make clear that they are mine and no one else's.

     

    6.  I will be explicit about the limits of hypothetical situations and imaginary characters.  

    Ah, the hypothetical situation.  Much maligned for good reason, sometimes useful for illustration, always a bit tricky in their execution.

    I love hypotheticals, but I must be more careful with them.  It is tempting to think that if I think up a hypothetical situation, decorate it with only those details that seem to me significant, and imagining human-like actors, I can treat it as my very own creature of pure reason.   Since it is mine, I can manipulate as I please and  judge with omniscience. 

    In one sense it's true, I can do that.  But real human readers have a tendency to see in these hypothetical characters someone "like" themselves, or perhaps real people they know.  And I am not allowed to manipulate or to judge the real person based on my fan-fic. 

    Even if I think up a hypothetical, and along comes a real person who embodies the imaginary one in every detail I created, I can't use my reason to reach deductive conclusions about the real person.   Why not?  After all, the hypothetical (in this hypothesis) is perfectly matched!  Well, the real human may possess every detail of my hypothetical, but the hypothetical on which I exercised my reason could not possibly possess every detail of the human.   Humans possess an infinite detail and and an infinite worth, far beyond the scope of any model problem.   So watch it.

    Once again.  Watch out when you are tempted to make assumptions about real people.

     

    7.  If I write about specific activities, I'll make room for modifications for different bodies, variations that make training plans more enjoyable, and goals unrelated to weight reduction.

    That short wish list appears in this commentary piece by Rebecca Scritchfield.

     

    8.  Athletic performance metrics are useful, far preferable to body-size metrics, but highly individual and unrelated to either value or virtue.

    It's probably a step in the right direction to go from "my body's value comes from its appearance" to "my body's value comes from what it can do."   But it's still wrong.

    Training is experiment, and experiment requires observation and measurement.  I can use performance metrics to evaluate whether my training is having the effect I desire.  I don't have to be clinical about everything, either:  I can celebrate when I meet the metric goals I've set, and I can express disappointment when I don't.   It's crucial not to connect the results to my value or my "good"-ness.   People do not, in fact, get what they deserve.

     

    9.  "Quality of life" is a universal goal, but an individual measure:  how closely reality matches a person's hopes and expectations.

    There are multiple ways of going about working for one's quality of life, too.  Much fitness writing is aimed at improving quality of life through hard work; but I also want to honor the effort to maintain quality of life in situations of increasing difficulty.  There is also the tough mirror process of re-adjusting those hopes and expectations to match an unlooked-for reality, maybe in the face of injury or illness, maybe other changes in circumstance, maybe after learning more about oneself.

     

    10.  The big picture of what I'm getting at:  an authentically human understanding of self-care.  

    Maybe that sounds like an overly grandiose aim.  Especially since, if history is any guide I'll probably be putting up posts like "here's what's in my gym bag these days!" and "I've discovered that it's a mistake for me to forget to eat breakfast before swimming a mile!"  I mean, some of that stuff is really just minutiae.  I might put it up because it's on my mind.

    But all the little pieces add up to a bigger picture.  

    The ground rules are here as a kind of checklist for the construction of those little pieces, so they're all align-able with the sort of big picture I want to have.  At the same time, there are questions that feel very open to me, so that I'm constructing that picture as I go along without really knowing what it will look like.  What boundaries are essential?  If vocation is about self-gift, what is the type and extent of self-investment that is appropriate for each vocation?  How do we write sensitively about practices that are health-promoting for many but not for some?   How about writing about practices that are accessible only to a few but might be interesting  to many?  How does a family distribute resources (time, effort, assets) among its members with different needs?   Can self-discipline be taught or only discovered?  What are the signs that health, wellness, even discipline has become an idol, or an obsession, and how can a person get their priorities back in order?

    + + +

    Well, this post has been many days in the making, so don't be surprised if it takes me a while to get around to the actual writing.  But it was a necessary step to unclog the  pipes, so to speak.  I hope to follow up on it soon.


  • Custodial work.

    How long before it feels normal to wander around a store looking at things, picking them up and putting them down? I went to the office supply store over the weekend, just to remind myself that I could; I bought a box of pens, a binder, a stack of legal pads, things I would need eventually if not yet.  I met a friend for coffee.    

    My city still has a mask mandate, and I am glad; the state pulled them prematurely, I think.  Why waste the opportunity to link it to a metric, like percentage of adults vaccinated, or case rate?  Why not spend a little political capital to protect folks who haven't yet been able to get vaccinated, or the permanently immunocompromised?   Why not at least stress a responsibility for the not-yet-vaccinated to keep masking a little longer?

    Well.  If we are all about personal choice now… it's an option to avoid errands in the suburbs, I suppose.  I hope that is enough for the vulnerable. 

    + + +

    I am not vulnerable; I'm now multiple weeks post-second-jab.  And yet I'm still getting used to being indoors around the unmasked.  And yes, you do still see them, even in buildings where the proprietor requires them.  Of these, I am disappointed to report, the place where I saw the most flouting of the stated rules?  Church.  On the two separate days I attended after my return, masks were ostensibly still required; the archbishop issued appeals reminding people to cover their faces for just a little longer; and yet on my first day back I was surrounded in my assigned pew-seat by people who  pulled their masks right off their faces when they sat down.

    Gross. 

    I feel physical revulsion, partly because of the clouds of aerosols that I am now hyper-aware that everyone is exhaling all the time, but also a spiritual revulsion:   because of the more acute knowledge I now have about the general regard for the sick and poor (or even for simple obedience and charity).  It's going to take me a while to get over that, probably longer than it will take for me to stop thinking about clouds of aerosols.

    + + + 

    The bright side is that if I had any compunction whatsoever about staying away all this time and never attending Mass indoors, I don't have it now.  It wasn't a safe place, and many of the people there were not safe people.  

    + + +

    But I am safer now, and I know it.   "I am trying to be brave and forgiving," wrote a vaccinated commenter on this post by Jamie, and what else is there to do but to try to do the same?  What else positive, I mean?   

     If I'm vaccinated, and if I've already made up my mind not to bring my unvaccinated children to Mass yet—and I have indeed made up my mind about that, see above re: unsafe people—the state of other people's faces is no longer actionable information.  I am not tasked with the responsibility of reportage or sampling; deciding is over, so I don't need to continue studying my surroundings; no one has asked me, "Erin, next time you go to Mass, will you look around and tell me if it looks safe?"  And anyway, "looks safe" is meaningless now.  

    So… it's time for the practice of custody of the eyes.

    + + +

    Custody of the eyes:  Take upon yourself the responsibility of not being bothered by the sight of someone else, by focusing elsewhere. 

    "Don't stare," we tell little children who are just learning that people can appear to us many different ways, sometimes startling ones.   This idea is not just for children.

    It's good for us, if we are tempted to indignance or annoyance or anger when we see someone breaking some kind of rule or norm, to mind our own business.  I'm not saying that everyone should always mind their own business.  Some people are explicitly tasked with enforcement of important rules, and occasionally charity or justice demand the intervention of bystanders.  But if it's not my job to intervene… …and there isn't any immediate harm to another person whom I could realistically protect… and if I can sense that the effect it's having on me is mainly indignance and rash judgment… yeah.  It's better to keep your eyes on your own work, and remember all your own flaws and how you would like to be judged by them were they known.

    It's often better for the other as well.  If you're suddenly aware that you stand out for some reason, and you don't need help (or help won't help) isn't it a relief when people pretend not to notice?  If you are an inexperience mother trying to get the snuffling baby latched, or the parent of a suddenly weeping toddler, or an adolescent or adult who bursts into tears in public:  averted eyes are often a blessing.  There is nothing at all offensive about a hungry baby or a toddler meltdown or an attack of overwhelming grief:  they are all parts of life.  But the fear of being shamed is real.  A lot of the things that we would like to shame each other for are not, if you knew the internal state of the person, worthy of applying shame:  and even if shame were deserved, it is rarely helpful.

    + + +

    A long time ago, I once got into an Internet discussion (not an argument, it remained friendly) with a fellow Catholic who was honestly, in the technical sense, scandalized by naked people in locker rooms. 

     I thought she was kidding at first, but no:  she thought it was a terrible breach of modesty and propriety that said something about the community of people at the pool where she had recently started to take her kids  swimming.  She was horrified that so many women and girls took off their clothes, even their underwear, where other locker room users could see them, before putting on their other clothes.  Not only that, sometimes people would walk to and from the showers without even wrapping up in a towel, and this upset her.   She would have liked if there had been signs posted forbidding nakedness in the locker areas.

    At the time, I was swimming two or three times a week at an urban YMCA, and I found this absolutely fascinating.  What on earth did she think the locker room was for?  

    I asked what she thought people ought to do, and she answered that they should change in the curtained changing stalls. 

    Hmm.  "What if the curtained changing stalls are all full?" I asked, and she said that the proper thing to do under those circumstances was either to wait, or perhaps to change in the toilet stalls.

    A little more querying and I learned that she had not, in her life, spent a lot of time in a variety of different locker rooms, and the ones that she had spent time in were large and comfortable ones with an abundance of individual curtained changing stalls and separate curtained showers.  Consequently, the culture in those gyms, at least in the women's and girls' locker rooms, it would have seemed gratuitously exhibitionist to change out in the open among the lockers.  You could always wait just a few minutes for one to open up, and if you were in a hurry, you could always lock yourself in one of the many individual toilet stalls.

    My gym is small and the locker room has zero changing stalls and only two toilets.  "How many toilet stalls are there in your gym locker room?" I asked.  "What if everybody changed in there?  Would there be any left for someone who needed to use the toilet?"  And she paused, because she had not considered this.  (Really!)  

    Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own comfort, and extend to other people the courtesy of ignoring them.  I think locker rooms are a good example of these, and .  Clearly there isn't a uniform sense of what is and isn't proper.   If there are a limited number of private spaces available, why not leave them free for the occasional person who feels a real need for shelter from staring—there are lots of reasons why someone might, like trauma or internalized body shame or a health issue—and just offer everyone around you a modicum of privacy by keeping your eyes more or less to yourself?  

    Anyone who is tempted to annoyance, repugnance, tale-bearing, or judgmentalism might find it a useful self-discipline, beyond the locker room.

    + + +

    The practice of keeping your eyes on your own work, laudable as it may be in some circumstances, exists in tension with our role as our brother's keeper, of course.  We need to check in with each other, sometimes step in to correct or intervene or offer a hand of assistance, or seek the help of someone else appointed for the task.  And sometimes we have a special responsibility to act, though far less often than some folks seem to think they do.  I think it can be hard to know when to act and when to mind your own business, sometimes, and people can err in good faith both one way or the other.

    Still… the good faith being perhaps not sufficient, it's necessary.  So I'm going to watch out for that little voice of indignance that creeps up from time to time… and my resolution is to refuse to listen to it.  Custody of the heart comes first.


  • Branches.

    Today I am two weeks post-vaccination for COVID-19.  I went out into the back yard to take a new maskless selfie for my FB page.   

    I'll still be wearing one quite a bit for a while, indoors in public or with unvaccinated friends at least, while we all navigate through this in-between time.   I'll keep them around for when I have respiratory symptoms, for sure.   But I felt like marking the milestone some way.

    + + +

    I'm planning on going to Mass this weekend.  (How odd to be writing that sentence!)  Just me, by myself; both Mark and I feel like starting off with relatively uncrowded spaces if we can.  My solution is to go early:   I signed up to go to the 7:30 a.m. Sunday Mass at our own parish.  Mark is not such an early bird; he may try a weekday Mass first, or a smaller congregation nearer our house.    We'll probably take turns until we decide it's prudent to bring the children.   

    + + +

    Last Sunday, the Gospel—on the parish livestream—was "I am the vine, you are the branches."  It's tempting to think of returning to Mass as a sort of re-attachment, but that is stretching the metaphor too far.  I have not been utterly cut off from the vine.  I have had regular, if infrequent, access to the sacraments. I have maintained a prayer life that's maybe been even more lively, on average, than before.  I have been part of the great mass of Christians, friends and strangers, praying for one another for intentions small, large and unknown; I've studied, even co-hosted a little book group for the end of Lent and the start of Easter. 

    I'm still here, as are many others who always have been attached:   the tendrils of the true vine are invisible.  Did we forget?  There always, always, always have been people for whom attending Mass in person, often or ever, is imprudent or impossible.  And yet they are infused with the green life, whether we remember them or not.  Now that I've been one of them, let me not forget again.

    What will it be like to return?  Jesus is the same.  I'm changed.  Something has sharpened in me.

    + + +

    Aloneness, and media, provides a lot of opportunity for intercessory prayer.  I mean, a lot.   And I know I haven't taken all the opportunities there have been.  But… so much suffering happened over the last year-and-then-some, and so much more came to light.  A great deal of cruelty and selfishness was exposed.  And maybe more than this, a great deal of carelessness:  a kind of breaking and spilling and muddying, and wandering off without thinking, probably across the clean floor with muddy shoes, never noticing, never taking note later that someone has come by and cut themselves on the shards, and a someone else has come by and cleaned up the mess.  Unintentional, to be sure.  But somewhere there's a willfulness not to look behind you.  And when you really see that carelessness, the carelessness of people who do not seem to see how careless they are (and yet… how could it not be obvious?) you realize that yes, you also must have been this careless, at least a little, and how often?  How would you know how many messes you have made when it is someone else's role to clean them up?

    So, a lot of penitential prayer as well.

    + + +

    MrsDarwin and I hosted, as I mentioned, a brief book club on Robert Hugh Benson's The Friendship of Christ.  (Buy her edited, prefaced, and newly-typeset paperback edition here.) It was a good book for a strange time.  Different people got different things out of it, for sure.  Here's what it did to me:  I opened it thinking "Perhaps this will tell me how to get closer to Jesus," and found that—for me—it really has been a matter of appreciating how close He has come to me already.  I mean, He's right there.  All the time.  No, really, right there.  Right here.   

    Even things that I thought were a way of holding Him at a distance are means by which He comes very, very close.   I know that more than I did before, and really believe it.  

    + + +

    All of a sudden, I started to find anything that smacks of purity….

    UNBELIEVABLY tiresome.  

    I don't mean the virtues that include the term "purity," although the word used all by itself, well, its attributes should be broken up and assigned to other virtues.  Ninety percent of the time when Catholics start talking about the virtue of purity,  they are really just trying to avoid speaking frankly about sex, and it drives me up the wall.   No, I mean purity like… this fear of contamination?  This fear of going out to the margins, of exploring the distinctions, of making contact?

    I've been a practicing, communing Catholic since I was eighteen.  I had to figure out the culture gradually, as a sort of teenage immigrant to it.  Am still figuring it out, as I continue to encounter the astonishing diversity of thought and experiences that makes it up, has made it up, across the centuries and nations, so that it's more like cultures than culture.   And I'm sure a lot of my memories of the process of figuring it out have been colored by all kinds of cognitive biases.  I started out with a longing to belong, trying to understand what it meant to be part of a larger community of believers, and trying out the different kinds of "belonging" that there are.  We do things this way here.  If you are Catholic, you will be a certain way.  I have tried to do things this way, and that way, and other ways, to see which ways fit, to see how to belong.  

    But all belonging means a definition of "self" and "others"—of "us" and "them—and more and more I am convinced that the "us" and "them" is and always has been an illusion.  There are ridiculous "us/them"s within the Church as well.  But it isn't real.   There is no us and them, there is only everybody:   trying or not trying, or trying to some degree, to align themselves with the way and the truth and the life, which presses us invisibly from all around.  Our job is to align ourselves and in so doing, strengthen the field, so to speak, and just doing that for real helps align others.  

    Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.

    Yes, yes, baptism is real and a maker of an "us," but nobody is excluded from it in principle; it's a difference in marking, not an essence.  We need collective humility, very badly.  We could use a little less fear that the Church will come crashing down if we have frank conversations with the wrong kind of people.   We could use a little less fear of doing love wrong by sending the wrong message.   We could use a little less gatekeeping; the gates will not prevail, after all, no?   Caretakers of the deposit of faith have been provided for us, thank God:  but lately I've become very aware of the large number of, shall we say, volunteers who have decided it is their job to staff the gates.

    The pandemic found me doing a lot of "well, if I was in charge I'd do things a lot differently" and at one point it occurred to me that I am not in charge, and I didn't really want to be.  In fact I'm not in charge of anyone, with the possible exception of my own children, and there are signifcant limits to that.   I am my brother's keeper, but not his gatekeeper.  

    + + +

    When I come back, I come back changed.  I come back more aware of a certain awarelessness that will probably follow me my whole life.  I come back more aware of the closeness of Jesus.  I come back tired of separations.   I love orthodoxy, orthopraxy, and always have; I've often felt a little ashamed of that, from the pressure of the personal-relationship-with-Jesus crowd; but I've learned that these are not things that stand between us and that relationship; they are a way He befriends us.  What has sharpened for me is a new desire for a Jesus-first orthodoxy, a Jesus-centered orthopraxy.   I come back seeking to strengthen it.

    Jesus the true vine-thumb-300x367-11630


  • The Friendship of Christ, 12.VII: “Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    And now we come to the last of the Seven Last Words from the Cross.    Benson takes “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit” as a reflection upon the concept of the peace of Christ.  For the death of Christ is one picture of the Peace of Christ:  something to remember, when we at Mass hear the words “The peace of Christ be with you”; something to remember when, at every Mass, it comes time to sing Dona nobis pacem.  Dona nobis mortem tuumhas not the same ring, and would be an incomplete notion of that Peace, but it is surely part thereof.

    In the meditation upon peace, Benson pauses to warn us against Quietism, a class of heresy that I had to look up to be sure of.  Do read up on it yourself; I will summarize it as a sort of extreme end of a spectrum, one with a boundary that is to my eyes blurry:  where Abandonment to Divine Providence slips into a denial of agency whatsoever, where contemplation and striving for interior holiness precludes the possibility of good and holy acts. 

    On the contrary! Interior peace, says Benson, is a prerequisite to the accomplishment of the objects of good acts; the attainment of interior peace is a signal that we are empowered to do good, not a signal that to do good is no longer required of us.

    I believe what he has to say, but I think there must be more to it:  for I experience this message as somewhat paralyzing.  I do not possess interior peace, certainly not permanently; maybe just “not yet”; maybe I achieve it intermittently at best.  Anyway, whatever piece of the Peace of Christ I come to is imperfect and fleeting.  Does that mean that my activities are pointless, fruitless?  Ought I suspend activity (beyond what I’m clearly required to do as responses to my state of life) and concentrate my efforts on interior reform, or  maybe wait and pray until I find myself transformed?  Or is there sort of a oscillation, a learning from experience, regret and repentance giving way to renewal? 

    I can’t count the times I have overstepped my competence, gotten ahead of my skis, and face-planted, trying to “do” Christianity.  Drawing back from that, contemplating more, competence/competing less, is the correction I have sought for the last few years.  And so I am grateful for Benson’s caution against Quietism, because I can easily see myself overcorrecting.  What I call retreating to seek Christ’s peace within might easily slide into avoidant behavior: fear of conflict, of discomfort, of making mistakes.  Still, not every conflict is specifically mine to take up.  We have to discern.

    + + +

    Besides the death of Christ itself, the Peace of Christ is (says Benson) “a Peace… which, unlike other satisfying emotions, is wholly independent of external things.”

    This immediately put me in mind of the Beatitude:  “Blessed are the meek” (in most English translations), “for they shall inherit the Earth.”  Here I have to apologize a bit in advance, for this is my favorite rant about Scripture translating:  I contend that English “meek” needs updating.  I am insufficiently expert to know exactly what’s the correct term, but the word in Bibles of other modern European languages connote not quite so much a  submission or submerging of the self, but a serene sailing, Benson’s “bird poised in the air”:  unruffled-ness, undisturbable, a “perfect response” to the currents and eddies that arrive.  Perhaps “mild” is a good updated English word, something with connotations of pleasant weather and of unbitter fruit.  Now, when I read the Beatitudes,  having once come to that bit in the Louis Segond: “Heureux les débonnaires” (literally de bon air, a weather metaphor), the image that leaps to mind is the storm-panicked disciples, and Christ stilling the waves.

    The Peace of Christ is something undisturbable from the outside.  And yet, if the Peace of Christ is also in a sense the death of Christ, then it was the outside world that visited it upon Him.  Unless the death of Christ, the death we die with Him, the death of self, is exactly that serenity, the one that says always “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh: blessed be the Lord.”

    + + +

    The Seven Last Words are words which cost the Lord dearly; He had only so many breaths before exhaustion.  Each breath (according to our understanding of the physiology of crucifixion) required effort to generate an audible utterance, generated more suffering than silence; each word a part of the perfection of His Atonement.  They are, I believe, an exemplar of poetry rather than prose:  every word counts, not a word is there that was not intended, nothing is omitted without reason.  They are his last chances as recognizable Man to shape our understanding of Himself and what He has done for us, and yet they are so brief, so clipped, so rare, so dear. 

    I think it is interesting to reflect upon each of the Seven Last Words and consider how our understanding of Christ and his Passion would be changed should he have left any of them out.

    Take “It is finished,” which Cat has meditated upon here.   Where would we be without that assurance?  What doctrine might we have developed without it, where might the Church have wandered?  And yet He left us in some ambiguity:  Consummatum est without an explicit subject.  We have had to make something of “it,” to use out collective judgment, even to debate and dispute it, apparently in accord with His penultimate earthly will.

    But I am here to reflect upon “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.”  I could meditate on why He spoke this instead of nothing.  Instead I find myself thinking about something that—though it seems true—something he might have said, but chose not to say:  Friends, into your hands I commend my body.

    He did not say this to them, and yet, the friends did receive His body, and cared for it the way they knew, with the resources they had.  Benson:  “this Body of His is to be laid in the cool rock tomb, with wrappings of soft linen, soaked in spices and myrrh…” It was His Friends who did this for him, unasked, uncommanded.

    How difficult it is for us to notice when we have assumed something!  I have always assumed without thinking that it was His explicit will that His body be cared for, wrapped and perfumed and buried, by His friends:  that there be a tomb, that there be a stone.  The Resurrection perhaps we can take for granted.  The empty tomb itself is often identified with it.   And yet He seems not to have ordered it, not explicitly, certainly not here.  The friends perhaps had to figure out what to do with the Body of Christ without an instruction from Him. 

    Having heard His last Word, they could trust that His Spirit had been commended to the Father.   Did they know what to do next—Nicodemus, Joseph, Mary Magdalene, John, the others? Did they have interior peace about it?  They were left with the Body yet unclaimed and nothing but its physical nature, no command but that of Time:  Time which, after the darkening of the sun and the rending of the veil, somehow kept rolling forward, bringing the fall of evening, the chilling of the flesh, the approach of that singular, terrifying Sabbath, that other peace of God that “passeth all understanding.”

    Time, the Law, and Friendship.  They claimed His Body and loved it, and God took care of the rest.


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 12.IV: “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

     

    For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin.  — Hebrews 4:15

     

    Let's stipulate for a moment that the frequent rephrasing of the above quote is an accurate one:  He is like us in all things but sin.

    Let's consider, too, some observations about suffering humans:  especially those whose suffering, like the crucified Christ's, comes at the hands of other humans.   

    + + +

    One thing we know is that hurt people hurt people.  An abused child often, but not always, grows up to struggle with abusive impulses, teaches others  the same lessons they were taught long ago;  a child bullied by stronger children sometimes turns and finds a weaker victim; a person neglected as a child sometimes fearfully holds back needed support; a person whose trust was broken badly once refuses to trust again.  That sort of sin is mitigated by the obscurity and darkness generated by the sins they endured in nature, as well as by the shadows passed down in human nature itself.   In one sense none of us "know what we do," and that includes people who quite deliberately do terrible things in what would seem to be full knowledge; that universal bentness of our humanity is a sort of supernatural ignorance.  But also certain abuses appear to have a partial cause from older ones, so that a person's psychology can be darkened as well as their spirit.  And of course a human culture may itself pass down twisted notions of right and wrong, which we ought to be able to see through, but do not challenge.

    When this is us, when we are hurt people who hurt people:  we are people who "know not what they do," in a sense, but who are not sinless, for Christ prayed "Father, forgive them."  

    + + +

    Another thing we know is that hurt people ask difficult questions.  Hurt people want answers, and they look for them, and demand them.  Hurt people seek to make sense out of what seems to them senseless.  They come to God, or to God's representatives on earth (whether actual or self-styled) and say:  How come God has made it so that this can happen?  I do not understand.   Can you make it make sense?  And they ask it, sometimes, in ways that are shocking or impolite or subversive, or disturbingly cutting and precise.  What's worse, sometimes none of the answers satisfy them.  And sometimes there are no good answers at all.

    Perhaps some of the time the hurt people's questioning is entangled with acting out, with hurting people, with sinning, in a way that makes us humans confuse them together, and judge the questioner imperfectly.  We do not see into hearts, after all.  But God sees.  And God made it clear by example that the questioning is not the sin.  For He himself asked the terrible question, the one we still cannot entirely make sense of, the one that we do not have a single satisfactory answer to (however many theories we deploy).  

    My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?

    He didn't simply point to an asker-of-this-question and say "Father, forgive him this asking of the terrible question."  No, he asked it himself.  He was suffering, and he asked that question that so many suffering people have asked.  He was like us, suffering, and he was without sin, and he suggested—out loud!—the absence of God, the reasonlessness of the world, the terror and darkness of a void.

    When we meet people who are asking that same question, when we find ourselves asking it too, we must remember that "He was like us in all things but sin."   When people suffer, they need to make sense of it.   When Christ suffered, he asked the question.   

    There are many ways to ask the question and to seek the answer.  It is possible to seek the answer through sin.  It is possible to first ask the question in all wounded sincerity, and then begin to seek, and for some of that seeking to be, well,a kind of wounded trying of all sorts of nature to see where it breaks. 

    About such apparent sins, we must beg forgiveness, for ourselves and ("Father, forgive them") for others.  But we must never, never condemn the question of the sufferer, for Christ, suffering abuse, uttered the question Himself.

    + + +

    Benson points out that many sufferers manage instead to avoid the question.  It's only when we expect God to be there; when we want him to be there; that we really, truly, and honestly would ask for the God who seems not to be there.   One of the reasons that the question is incomprehensible and even intolerable to us is that we "find our consolation in so much that is not God."  

    If physical comforts are wanting to us, we find refuge in mental comfort; if mental comforts are wanting, we lean upon our friends.  Or, more usually, when the higher pleasures are withdrawn, we find relief, with scarcely an effort, in lower.  When religion fails us, we console ourselves with the arts; when love or ambition disappoint us, we plunge into physical pleasures; when the body refuses to respond, we take refuge in out indomitable pride; and when that in turn crumbles to nothing, we look to suicide and hell as a more tolerable environment.  There seems no depth to which we will not go, in our passionate determination to make ourselves tolerable to ourselves.

    I would like to point out, too, that many of the God-substitutes that Benson lists here are undoubtedly good things:  the arts, friends, and the like.  Later in the same section Benson contrasts "religion" with "religiosity…a sort of professionalism"—I think that this implies that the outward actions of liturgy, the performance of piety, the reiteration of moral principles in argument and in theory, can itself be a refuge to which we flee from the terrible question whenever it rears up in our heart and threatens to enter our consciousness.   Nothing but God can be God Himself.  

    There is certainly a risk that some of us who flee in more respectable directions… to our work or to the arts or to scholarship, for example… will look down our noses at those who flee to what Benson calls "lower" pleasures.  But flight it still is.  And we should recognize it even under its respectable form.

    For Benson's point is that our model, Christ, our perfect example of man and God perfectly united, is able to ask, and is willing to ask.  The one who asks the terrible question is one who seeks truth instead of false consolation.   We mustn't be shocked by it, we mustn't try to quiet the askers.

    Above all we mustn't spout a series of answers that by their nature will ever be incomplete, and then require the asker to be satisfied or face rejection.   

    For  "the true happiness of man consists in this gradual approach to the Beatific Vision."  The terrible question, which arises almost everywhere there is suffering, has no satisfactory answers in any merely human language, and never will; it is only answered by the secure Presence and Vision at the end of all things.  

    + + +

    More reflections, on this as well as on the next Word,  by Cat here.


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 12.III: “Woman, behold thy son; behold thy mother”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + + 

    This is the third section of Chapter 12, the chapter with the most detailed subdivisions.  Cat has already written about the first section and the second section; but I hope you'll forgive me for, given the chance to begin here, taking a moment to reflect on the structure of Chapter 12 and its placement within the book first.  For one of my ways into this devotional is through the framework on which Benson has decided to hang it.

    Writers and readers who like a logical structure (ahem) also tend to like symmetry and parallelism.  We like the Rule of Three.  We like a book to be divided up into chapters that are approximately of equal length.  We like the outline of the main points and supporting points to be regular:  

    I.

    A.

      1. ..
      2. ..
      3. ..

    B.

      1. ..
      2. ..
      3. ..

    …and so on, with the narrator descending stepwise in each section and subsection to approximately the same depth before rising up again, clearing their authoritative  throat, and beginning again with a new part.

    Benson mostly does this; the other chapters in the book are all similarly long and similarly detailed; but he has not done this with Chapter 12.  This chapter is ruled not by Three, but by Seven:  the centuries-old devotion of the Seven Last Words (though it is also called the devotion of the Three Hours).  And so Chapter 12 is considerably longer, Benson having delved into each Word via a handful of reflections as if it were a chapter of its own, but having organized them all into one stretch of time on Calvary.

    This is a remarkable renovation of the devotion, to consider it anew in its specific sense as an expression of Christ's friendship with us.  And in another sense it is unremarkable, because that is what we do (or at least what we can do) every time we sincerely pick up the smooth-worn popular devotions of our Faith:  find something new and specific in them that opens something inside us, whether it's a piercing for a tiny beam of light or a door to a whole new realm.

    + + +

    Of course, the decision to make the Crucifixion chapter stick out more than the others is not unreasonable, given our conviction that the Cross is the pin or axle around which all of history turns; so the irregularity is a bit of a key to understanding where the importance lies.  It is unexpected, and so it helps point us to something greater.

    There is an unexpected asymmetry within this chapter as well, or perhaps it is a symmetry-that-is-not-quite-a-symmetry.  

    We often see odd backwards-reflections when we contemplate Mary.  She also sticks out of history, or fails to fit into it in the tidy way that we orderly people expect; she is also a kind of turning-point, a protrusion from the world.  We call her Mary, Undoer of Knots: she possesses a symmetry that does not repeat itself, but the kind that runs the ends of the great human tangle backward through themselves until the knot comes free.  We call her the New Eve:  not because she is a repetition of Eden's woman created without sin, but because she is a renewal of her.   We contemplate the Heart of Mary and the Heart of her Son, caught in the paradox that though the Creator precedes all His Created in the order of eternity, the Immaculate Heart has preceded the Sacred Heart in the order of time and creation where they both came into being.  

    Jesus speaks, apparently symmetrically, to Mary and John at the foot of the cross.  "Woman: behold your son.  Behold your mother."  He gives them to each other.   This event is rich in meaning for us, and I cannot possibly scratch the surface of it here, except to say that it would be a mistake to seize on just one of the possible ways of seeing it, whatever appeals to us most, or whatever we most recently heard with the ring of conviction.

    Benson, I am sure, is not giving us a sole way to interpret this word when he structures his chapter to highlight its meaning as part of our Friendship with Christ.   This word from our Friend functions as a command to draw nearer to each other, to give an attribute to our common bond with our neighbors, our fellow Christians, our fellow human beings.     That bond is a bond of adoption and a bond of blood both, the blood being Christ's.

    The symmetry-asymmetry comes from the fact that we might be tempted to see the proto-bond between us and our fellows as represented by the gift-of-each-other that Christ commands from the Cross to Mary and to the beloved disciple.  As Mary is united to John, we might think, so we are united to one another in Christ.  But a careful examining of the chapter shows that it is not so (or at least, not only so).  The symmetry is really a complementarity. 

    Scripture itself notes:  After Mary and John receive the words, the disciple takes her into his home; she becomes his Mother and he his Son; and this is not and has never been a symmetrical relationship, not in the patriarchal society of the Middle East under the Roman Empire, not today.   If our bond is a bond of adoption and blood, then we here together are siblings in Christ, united with him not just by a simple Friendship, but by a shared bond with his very own Mother.   Let us take her each one into our home, cherish her, listen to her, love her and live with her together.


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 11: “Christ in the Sufferer.”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    The twin chapters of "Christ in the Saint" and "Christ in the Sinner" were very satisfying in their symmetry, and I'm very glad that Cat incorporated both into her most recent meditation.

    I think that "Christ in the Sufferer" must disappoint many who turn to it in hope, at least if the few comments in our little reading group were to be believed.  

    Some of us, being sufferers ourselves, are looking for instructions on what to do with our own suffering.  We have been told that we ought to unite our sufferings to Christ's.  We may have been told that we ought to "offer up" our sufferings, perhaps on behalf of some other soul; for example, one person reported being taught that suffering should be offered "for the poor souls in Purgatory."

    But exactly how one does this is always left unsaid.

    Others of us, and I count myself among them, may be searching for help learning what to do with other people's suffering.  We may feel helpless faced by the suffering around us:  faraway suffering that we only read about, or a suffering person right in front of us, whether it is a stranger or a loved one.  Maybe it is our appointed duty to do something particular to help; it can be a relief to know it; but perhaps what we can do is useless or incomplete, and then we are still left with suffering we can't help.  Or maybe we don't know what to do:  to say "it's not my job" seems wrong, and yet the fear that we might make it worse if we don't understand what we are doing is not an ungrounded one (see:  book of Job)!  Faced with a third suggestion, that we should suffer-with the sufferer, com-passion-ate ourselves… if we are not naturally feelers of others' feelings, how can we make ourselves do it?

    There seem to be no easy answers here either.

    And Benson's chapter does not help us.  He remains distant from the sufferer.  He does not help the sufferer, and he does not help the one who would serve the sufferer.   What are we to make of this?

    + + +

    One possibility is that Benson simply doesn't know the answer, that he himself has searched and come up just as empty.   Another possibility is that however forlornly we wish for him to reveal the secrets of offering up our suffering, or of easing the suffering of others, it is simply not within the scope of this book, and he knows it.

    + + +

    I've noted before that The Friendship of Christ functions in many ways as an act of apologetics, and so it is accessible to the person who has only a partial understanding of Catholic Christianity as well as to the well-catechized person who wishes to enter more deeply into relationship with the Christ who dwells there.  

    This is a very apologetic chapter, and the apologia defends here against the category of accusations sometimes called "The Problem of Pain."   Almost anyone who has dabbled in apologetics will have encountered this, and it is a fundamental enough problem in the human condition that practically every religion or philosophy must address it in some way or another.  

    Why do we observe that the just and the innocent suffer pains beyond that which can do them any discernible good?

    Christianity does have answers for this, and Benson discusses some of them in this chapter.  At the moment the thing that I would like to point out to my well-catechized readers is this:  Being well-catechized, or being a faithful Christian believer, is not a foolproof inoculation against error in the matter of The Problem of Pain. 

    I daresay you do not have to look very far among your acquaintances of the faithful and well-catechized sort to find someone who, if pressed, can be shown to believe in at least some cases that suffering is sufficient evidence of the sufferer's deserving the suffering.  They are Job's comforters; they believe that divine justice requires divine retribution.  It's extremely common, and I suppose that few of us have successfully resisted the temptation to classify a sufferer as having "asked for it" at one time or another, beyond the evidence.  Another extremely common error:  the assumption that if the apparently innocent do suffer, it must be for their own good, or must meet some need not otherwise met.  You see this in the wretched encounters with the "it's God's will" people.

    Why are we like this?  We do not like to live with uneasy realities.

    Anyway, Benson is careful to point these errors out to us in this little apologia.  The Problem of Pain is not what arises from "the direct and evident consequence of sin to the sinner;" it is the different problem of what arises beyond that.  Indeed the very real existence of evident consequences of sin can soothe us into thinking that, once we have associated sin and consequence in one-to-one correspondence, we have solved it.     But Benson ticks them off:  Christianity does not allow us to believe that God is not just; it does not allow us to believe that divine justice enacts retribution for past-life sins; it does not allow us to believe that the innocent cannot suffer needlessly (or, the logical equivalent, that the needlessly suffering are therefore not innocent).

    + + +

    Personally, I think that Benson's answer to the question of "how to unite our sufferings to Christ" is that we do not need to take any steps at all; that Christ suffers in the sufferer through nothing more than the fact that an image-bearer suffers.  It is the common humanity of ourselves and of the Suffering God-Man that unites human suffering with the Cross, no more.  There may be comfort and peace to be found in making some kind of act of oblation of suffering; there may be virtue to be gained in exercising patience, in refraining from lashing out at people around us.  But the essential meaning of suffering already belongs to its every instance, in my view, and is given it by Christ.  As Paul says and Benson emphasizes, "I fill up those things that are wanting of the sufferings of Christ," and we are given no further explanation.

    + + +

    One of the uneasy realities that we find it hard to live with:  the instruction that the Christian must take up his cross, which seems to indicate an instruction to suffer willingly; and yet the instruction that we must ease the suffering of the sufferers (cf. the hungry, the naked, the sick, the imprisoned, etc.).   

    There is a risk that Christians might interpret this as instructing them to tell the hungry, naked, sick, and imprisoned that they should bear their crosses.

    + + 

    I believe that the scope of this chapter, with regard to the friendship of Christ, that if we recoil from suffering, we are always and in some way recoiling from Christ.  Not that there's something wrong with taking steps to prevent or mitigate suffering, either in ourselves or in others; that isn't the kind I mean.   There is no risk that we will somehow eliminate the possibility of suffering.  There will always be enough to go around; it is out there somewhere; if you cannot see it, keep looking.  

    (N. B.  I've written about this before, in a meditation on II.12 of The Imitation of Christ, "On the Royal Road of the Cross."  There is no escape from the Cross; in fact the Cross is precisely that:  whatever suffering must be borne.  So there's no risk that by alleviating suffering that may be alleviated—as distinct from pushing the suffering onto someone else—we are refusing to bear it.)

    My interpretation of Benson's instruction on "how to" unite her pain with His, to offer her pain as "the instrument of His atonement" — these are the words he uses — is that the believer has the possibility of knowing that she "fills up" what is wanting in the suffering of Christ.  For Christ suffers when we humans suffer, and thus our suffering is part of the atonement.  He went willingly for our sakes; we Christian believers can align our will with His and accompany him.  It is not the same thing as "God wills our suffering;" it is more like, "God can take this and do something with it — has already done so."  All we need do is trust:  that we not deny the justice and love of God in the face of it; that we not deny that Christ is found there, as well as on the lovelier roads; and in fact that there we know Christ in a way we would not otherwise come to know.

    + + +

    Next:  Part III begins.


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 9: “Christ in the Sinner.”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    Cat wrote on "Christ in the Saint:"

    It is the lifelong struggle of humans to realize that the imperfections that we consider "ours" — the yearning to cling to some pleasure, the death-like grasp on The Plan, the small tendencies to comfort and security and power that manifest themselves in self-absorption and lies and the little ways we use other people — do not truly add any flavor to our character or interesting edge to our personalities. Every person on earth — except the Blessed Virgin Mary, to whom Benson rightly devotes the first half of this chapter — has known the bitter pleasure of clutching some favored sin closely to ward off the suffocating dullness of sanctity. If I give up this stupid thing, which gives me some fleeting pleasure, what is left? The long boring slog to heaven.

    The saints are proof that surrender does not bring death. 

    I, though, still have  saint with a much shorter slog to sainthood in mind. 

    As I read Chapter 9, so soon after Chapter 8 (about the Sinner, so soon after the Saint), my mind returned again and again to that place in the Gospel where the Saint and the Sinner hang close together, with Christ in the middle between them.  

    + + +

    I reflected early on that, settling down to meditate upon Christ in the Sinner, I might all too quickly revert back to meditating upon Christ in a Saint.  This is because with few exceptions, all our Saints have also been Sinners; some of our most popular Saints are famous for their repentance and their conversions, documented by someone else or even by themselves.  The woman weeping at Jesus's feet; Paul, recovering his sight; Augustine, confessing to every generation of Christians.  When we wish to contemplate Christ in the sinner, we may well think about these people; especially when we are considering the ones to whom Jesus himself reached out in history, personally transforming their lives. 

    It's not wrong, for at the moment of transformation, they were still Sinners; not yet Saints.  On the other hand, there's a certain bias, a failure to discern part of the picture, if we only work backwards from Saints to the Sinners they once were.  For the world is filled with Sinners who are not yet Saints.  And history is filled with Sinners who may be Saints, though if they are it is unknown to us; who perhaps are not Saints and never will be.  

    What I'm saying is, we've already contemplated Christ in the Saint.  If we are really going to contemplate Christ in the Sinner, it means contemplating Him not only in those Sinners for whom we already know the happy ending… but contemplating Him in those Sinners that have no happy ending.  Not yet; and even in those Sinners that perhaps will have none ever.

    + + +

    Christ was crucified between two thieves, or revolutionaries, or both; between two Sinners. 

    Christ died on the cross between a Sinner and a Saint. 

    I think it is a little bit unfair to contemplate the Good Thief and think merely, "I am contemplating a Sinner."  It's not wrong—with few exceptions, all saints are sinners—but we are ignoring two things when we do this.  First, we are contemplating the Good Thief from a perspective that knows he is really a Saint as well; second, there is a perfectly appropriate example of a Sinner right there on Christ's other side. 

    There will never be a better example of how Christ is reflected both in the Saint and in the Sinner.  The three men look alike in their agonies from the feet of the crosses.  Benson says, "For the crucifix and the Sinner are profoundly, and not merely superficially, alike in this—that both are what the rebellious self-will of man has made of the Image of God…"  Melanie Bettinelli and I have discussed this concept before as the concept of the "damaged icon."

    So let's look at the other man.

    + + +

    Matthew (Mark is similar):

    Then two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left.  And those who passed by derided him…. "You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself!  If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross."  So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, "He saved others; he cannot save himself.  He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.  He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him; for he said 'I am the son of God.'"  And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

    Luke:

    Two others also, who were criminals, were led away to be put to death with him.  And when they came to the place which is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on the right and one on the left…. One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, "Are you not the Christ?  Save yourself and us!"

    Placed ("in the same way") on the lips of the thief-who-is-not-the-identified-Good-Thief are all the words of mockery:  Save yourself, if you are the Son of God.  You said you were King; look at you now.  And words of tempting and testing:  We will believe in you… if you come down from the Cross.  He trusts God; let God deliver him.

    The man is a known sinner, justly condemned; dying in agony, a picture of ugliness; spending the last moments of his life in mockery, hatred, blasphemy, and revulsion; when another choice and another example is right before him.    And yet he persists.  And he is the very mirror of both the Saint and of the Savior.  

    Benson reminds us that Christ is not just with Sinners like this—here, willingly crucified in company with him—but within Sinners like this—willingly crucified in compassion in the Sinner's heart and soul—willingly residing, radiating unreceived grace, in the heart even as it rejects him, as long as the man's breath lasts.  When Christ prays, "Forgive them, they know not what they do," he means this man as well, for he sees his heart, all of our hearts; he's there, His image, His spirit, His goodness; damaged, and not yet gone.  

    + + +

    The Good Thief has always been one of my favorite characters in the Gospel to contemplate.  I fear I've turned my attention too much to what is only part of the story.  The other thief is just as precious.  He was, as a human being.  And he is, in this story that has come down to us, as an example and an image.  I cannot begin to plumb the depths of the mystery and meaning of the three crosses on the hill, but I can start by remembering always that there are three.  

    In the Good Thief, God takes the damaged icon and restores it.  But take a step back and see the picture as a whole:  the crucifix and the sinner, side by side, what man made of the Image of God, before God said to an image-bearer, "Today you shall be with me in Paradise."  

    Isn't it obvious that we must contemplate them both?    I, at least, have not heard Him speak those words to me yet.

     


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 7: “Christ in the Priest.”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    Cat wrote about the last chapter, "Christ in the Church:"

    Our judgment is not infallible; we see that every day in a million minor ways. Our desires, though sincere, though educated, though acute, must be tested. Our love needs a foundation if it is not to be blown away in the first storm. 

    This foundation is friendship with the Church, with the Church as Christ himself…. It is the Church we must be friends with, learning her teachings, tracing her through history, loving humanity through her as Christ does.

    Benson's last point is addressed to the person who rebels against this submission as an obliteration of his judgment and gifts, his individuality….[T]oday I wonder if a more common objection might be to befriending the Church when it seems a place to shelter evil, an institutional cover for child abuse and sexual control. The glamor and mystique of the institution seem designed to blind the faithful and take advantage of them.

    Yet, if the Church is Christ himself, the glamor is like the purple mantle the soldiers draped over Jesus, covering his torn body. 

    I like the concept very much of the purple garment being like all the "glamor and mystique" that people sometimes see when they view the institutional Church.  Some people are attracted by the pretty things, and other people are repelled by them or suspicious of them; but it isn't, after all, the prettiness that we are meant to be contemplating but the Christ beneath.  

    Benson takes a lightly mocking tone towards the Priest, I think deliberately, anticipating some of the criticism that non-Catholics often level at us:

    She exalts, it is said, fallible humanity, in the person of the priest whom not even she believes to be infallible… If it were merely the Ideal Society that was exalted, some excuse could be found; but it is the individual human priest who, as a matter of fact, in the eyes of Catholics parades in the garments of Christ…

    "Parades in the garments of Christ!"  It is the sneer of our critics.   And Benson says:  Yes. Yes, exactly.

    Yes, that is what our priests do.  Parade in the garments of Christ:  which, as Cat pointed out, means (among other things) that purple mantle by which He was mocked, and also the seamless tunic for which lots were thrown, and the underthings that protected His dignity, all those bits that adhered to the flesh as they were in the end stripped off.  It must also mean the ordinary clothing of the worker and the itinerant preacher, the swaddling clothes; and the wrappings of the tomb.

    [P]arades in the garments of Christ, and is thought to be clothed with His prerogatives.  This is largely true.  

    I see the two chapters, "Christ in the Church" and "Christ in the Priest," as two aspects of a very similar concept.  The Church is made up of human beings, and the priest is a human being; and we relate to Christ through our relationships with these human beings.  (Even when one thinks:  well, I relate to the Church through physical objects, the buildings and the incense and the art; humans designed, made, and selected them, poorly or well).  We may even literally be friends with some of these human beings, or they might possibly be our very real enemies; or perhaps we find them agreeable or distasteful according to personality.

    And yet friendship with Christ-in-the-Church is not quite the same thing as having warm feelings about the parish secretary or the Archbishop or the other dudes in the men's prayer group or appreciating the sweep of a ceiling or a sparkle of colored glass.  And friendship with Christ-in-the-Priest is definitely not the same thing as having a particular priest as your buddy, someone you might buy a beer for, or appreciating your pastor for his good homilies and diplomatic leadership.

    + + +

    It's a good thing, too, because (as Cat alluded) these human connections fail us so often, sometimes in spectacularly horrible ways.

    + + +

    A good part of this chapter is a defense of the priesthood.  I'm concerned mainly with what it means to find friendship with Christ in the priest—and it seems to me that by this Benson means friendship with Christ in the priesthood and its attributes, friendship with Christ-as-the-High-Priest.  Because of course friendship with Christ can be found in the human personality of any particular priest you happen to meet or know; I suspect, though, that we are going to meet this particular image of Christ in later chapters, such as "Christ in the Saint," "Christ in the Sinner," "Christ in the Average Man."  Because of course a given priest could be any of those things, and God help him, he may eventually be all three.

    The priest is a man whose job is to willingly do the will of God.  All of us have the job to do that!  But the particular version of this, for the priest, is—at very particular and crucial moments—to submit his own personality totally to the personality of Christ; to accept with John the Baptist, "I must decrease, and he must increase;" and to give God permission to use his hands, his voice.  Christ "energizes,"  Christ "exercis[es] the prerogative of mercy," Christ "mak[es] himself present in…the Sacrament."  The priest consents. 

    So where is the friendship?

    [Christ] exhibits, in that atmosphere that has grown up about the priesthood, through the instincts of the faithful rather than through the precise instructions of the Church, attributes of His own Divine character, in sympathy with which constitutes the friendship of those who love Him.

    I think when people talk about having that "personal relationship with Christ," it is very easy for them to be picturing a relationship with the human nature and character of Christ only:  the same sort of imagination that gives us the parlor-game of "Which historical character would you like to have dinner with?"  We close our eyes and there is Jesus, copied from a picture we saw once, in sandals and tunic, sitting in our living room.  We try to make friends with this Jesus.  Even if we imagine a Jesus speaking in our interior hearts, it's a human-sounding voice. We try to make that connection feel as like a human friendship as possible.  When it really does feel like that, we understand it to be a grace and a consolation.

    And it's not wrong!

    But we must also make friends with the Divine character of Christ.  And for that we have not much in the way of models from practical experience.  

    Benson is telling us that friendship with Christ is also "sympathy with attributes of His own Divine character," and that we are able to develop some of this by having a devotion to the priesthood.

    Not the priest, but to the priesthood:

    Devotion to the priesthood… respect for the office, jealousy for its honor, insistence upon the high standard of those who fulful it—these are nothing else but manifestations of that Friendship of Christ of which we are treating… Not to lean upon the priest…—but to lean indeed upon the priesthood—this is reliance upon Christ.

    Can I just point out here the bit about high standards?  When we (ahem) cover over serious failings of individual priests, make excuses for them,  excessively defer to them, or make them into celebrities, we're in direct opposition to all that helps us develop sympathy with attributes of the Divine character.   So let's shut down any idea that this is an apologia for clericalism.

    + + +

    On a personal note, I found these two chapters incredibly reassuring as a reader.  When I first picked up the book, I thought that I would be learning how to begin a Friendship that I had never, ever, been able to really form.  But in Benson's explication of the Church and the Priest I recognized a Friend I already had.  For I have long had an attachment to the Mystical Body and a love for the Order of Melchizidek, so to speak.  When I sit in Mass surrounded by the atmosphere, however inauspicious it may seem (sometimes entirely because of the inauspiciousness), I feel the weight of centuries:  I feel myself among a crows of countless Christians, listening to so many homilies, including some very bad ones, from some very bad priests, and yet receiving grace all the same from those very hands.  It is a miracle that Christ has made himself so poor, I tell you, so as to reach into all the parishes and missions and cells of the world by such hands and voices.  

    I am a person who finds it hard to rely on people.   And somehow God's friendship has found me through my mistrust, by letting me know that no matter what those people are like, His word that He comes to me through them is good.

    + + +

    Next:  Cat on "Christ in the Saint."


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 5: “Christ in the Eucharist.”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    Cat ended her last post about Chapter 4, the Illuminative Way with a brief meditation on the humility required even of the "illuminated":

    No man is an island. We are created to be in community, and not a community of our own creating. Benson cautions that a soul, enamored of the interior illumination of Christ, must, conversely, also be willing to submit to Christ as he reveals himself to the world in the Church. This is not the Church as interpreted by the World, as interpreted by charismatic figures, as interpreted by people who want to use it for their own means, but as the Church interprets herself through Christ, in her teachings, traditions, and documents — the True Church, not the idea of Church.

    Ideas are heady things. The Purgative way strips away ideas from reality. Now the Illuminative Way emphasizes the reality behind ideas — the testing of spirits, as St. Paul says. Otherwise, we can be lead away by high spiritual contemplation to do practically terrible things. "Rely not on your own understanding," cautions the Psalmist. Christ does not illuminate us and no one else. We have a part in the Body of Christ, and Christ tells us that that Body is the Church….

    And so it behooves a true Friend of Christ to draw not only from his strength, but from his humility. And this humility is one of the greatest qualities to consider when looking for guidance from people who claim to speak in Christ's name. Do they model, not just his zeal or his power, but his humility as well? If not, better test that spirit some more. 

    It is fitting to consider the example of Christ's humility, and how we might emulate it, before turning to Part II and its initial chapter, "Christ in the Eucharist."  For of all the avenues down which this Figure advances to approach us, the Eucharist is the appearance that Benson identifies most with Humility: 

    "It is in this mannter, then, that He fulfils that essential of true Friendship, which we call Humility.  He places Himself at the mercy of the world whom he desires to win for Himself.  He offers Himself there in a poorer disguise even than 'in the days of His Flesh…'"

    I have always been fond of Aquinas's hymn "Adoro Te Devote," which functions admirably as a prayer to take to heart in the presence of the Eucharist.  My favorite verse is the third:

    In Cruce latebat sola Deitas,

    At hic latet simul et Humanitas,

    Ambo tamen credens atque confitens,

    Peto quod petivit latro pœnitens.

    "On the Cross, Divinity alone lay hidden; but here, Humanity conceals itself at the same time." 

    Christ in the lowest and meanest of all humans still bears the image of God with which all of us are indelibly marked; Christ as a dead, ground, flat, parched crumb?  Not even the barest hint of the image remains.

    "Yet both believing and confessing, I seek what sought the thief, repenting."

    + + +

    When I opened my book to read the chapter, I expected it to be a chapter about encountering Christ in the reception of Holy Communion.  In fact I began taking notes speculating about the usefulness of this chapter to people who, for one reason or another, may not receive:  the very young, those living where access to Communion is restricted, those in irregular marriages or other situations which preclude reception of the sacrament, and even those who are not Catholics.  Especially when I encountered the paragraph:

    Jesus Christ, then, dwells in our tabernacles to-day as surely as he dwelt in Nazareth, and in the very same Human Nature; and He dwells there, largely, for this very purpose—that he may make himself accessible to all who know him interiorly and desire to know him more perfectly.

    You see, that adjective:  "accessible!"  I thought I had found an objection.  In the act of Holy Communion, Jesus is most assuredly not accessible to all, at least not immediately. 

    But in fact the chapter is not really about Communion.  It is divided into three parts, according to which Benson treats of three different ways which human beings may know Jesus our Friend in the Eucharist.  (Consuming Him not, in fact, being necessary to the knowledge!)  And those three different modes of knowing our Friend are as material object, the work of human hands; as Sacrificed Victim; and as Food.

    We may know Him in these forms merely by contemplating the Eucharist itself, or by contemplating the behavior of believers:  our design of churches and chapels with the Tabernacle at the focal point, our reverential handling of the matter, the words of consecration, our adoration, our processions, our hymnody, our careful attention to how one must prepare to receive… even, maybe, in the pastoral barriers that keep some people from reception of the Eucharist.  It is our treatment of the Eucharist that communicates its meaning to the curious onlooker.  

    Flannery O'Connor, in a letter, famously wrote:

    Well, toward morning the conversation turned on the Eucharist, which I, being the Catholic, was obviously supposed to defend. Mrs. Broadwater said when she was a child and received the Host, she thought of it as the Holy Ghost, He being the ‘most portable’ person of the Trinity; now she thought of it as a symbol and implied that it was a pretty good one.

    I then said, in a very shaky voice, ‘Well, if it’s a symbol, to hell with it.’ 

    That was all the defense I was capable of but I realize now that this is all I will ever be able to say about it, outside of a story, except that it is the center of existence for me; all the rest of life is expendable.”

    + + +

    So, Benson gives us a sort of tricolon diminuens:  from a crafted object we can move around, display, detest or adore; to victim killed by our cruelty; to a piece of food.  He descends further and further at the mercy of the world, that is, us.  And even when we are not eating Him, he is totally accessible to us, in fact to everyone, under this form.

    For anyone, anyone at all, can come into the Church and contemplate Him there in the Tabernacle, or slip into a pew to hear Mass and consider the words and act of Consecration, or perhaps arrange to spend the third part of an hour in the chapel of Adoration where the Blessed Sacrament is exposed.  No one will check your credentials, at least at the public hours.

    Many a time I have done this myself.  I have looked intently for a long time at the round white wafer, and thought:  The Apostle John saw a human being fixed on a gibbet, and also was looking invisibly upon a God.  In a like way I see a bit of stuff, fixed under glass in the monstrance, and also am looking invisibly upon a Man.  Man and God as well, but let's take it one step at a time, shall we?  John knew the God; shall I know the Man?

    + + +

    If Humility is the attribute of friendship which Christ in the Eucharist most displays, then we can learn from it something new about friendship itself.  For to make a friend is to place oneself, to some degree, at the mercy of the friend.  We allow them to have their way with our hearts.  If not, it's not a true friendship.  And in the Eucharist, if we understand nothing else, we can understand that Christ has become for us a thing, body, blood, soul and divinity, all wrapped up in a tiny package, not even a penny's worth of flour, which we can walk away from, treasure, or sell.  To contemplate that, to accept it, and to go on contemplating and remaining and watching, is to be His literal companion.

    Next:  Cat on Chapter 6, "Christ in the Church."


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 3: “The Purgative Way”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    Previously, Cat wrote on Chapter 2:

    "Behold, I stand at the door and knock," Jesus says to each soul (Rev. 3:20), which seems to reinforce the idea of him being external. But wait! He goes on to say, "If anyone hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me." But we do not provide this meal to Jesus. He is the meal on the other side of the door, just as he is the door (or the true gate), and he is the house, and he is all in all. He is already in everything, and longs to be recognized. Our part in fostering this friendship is not to invite him where he is not, but to recognize and welcome him where he already is.

    He is the meal, and He is the house, and He is the door.  I really like all that Cat says about this.  Lingering over it, I find myself wondering what it means for there to be an if… anyone opens the door.  He is a voice on the outside of the door, and a meal inside of the door, and He is even the door, and yet He is not a door that opens of its own accord.  

    The soul must hear the voice.  The soul must open the door.  The soul must eat the meal.   What can these be other than free acts of the will, if the metaphor is to hold?  Acts of aligning our will to the will of God—but under God's own power soaking and penetrating everything already, like a compass in a magnetic field?  We must be exerting a constant contrary effort if we are to keep pointing our own way, and I suppose we are.  

    Perhaps He is a door that opens of its own accord, and the soul is straining to keep it shut.

    + + +

    Benson's Purgative Way (to be followed by the Illuminative Way, next chapter) is written as if it were a linear progression, a path.  There is a bit of hedging with words like "usually" and the sort, leaving room for some unusual folks to experience purgation differently.  For example:  

    And extremely often, the first sign… lies in a consciousness that there is beginning for her an experience which the world calls Disillusionment….This then is usually the first stage of Purgation:  she [the soul*] becomes disillusioned with human things, and finds that however Christian they may be, they are not, after all, Christ.

    The next stage of Purgation lies in what may be called, in a sense, the Disillusionment with Divine things.  The earthly side has failed her, or rather has fallen off from the reality; now it begins to seem to her as if the Divine has failed her too.

    There follows… a third stage before the Way of Purgation is wholly passed.  She now has to learn the last lesson of all, and become disillusioned with herself.

    There isn't any hedging, however, in the placement of the Way of Purgation before the Way of Illumination in the structure of the book.  

    I think perhaps that Benson is showing us that, while the precise journey along the Way of Purgation can vary—perhaps some of us skip over the "first" or "second" stages mentioned in the book, perhaps some of us have to go through a stage he hasn't mentioned, perhaps we take the stages out of order, perhaps we retrace our steps over and over again—no Illumination is possible without some Purgation that precedes it.

    I think we'll know more about this when we have dived deeply into the next chapter.   But my thought is that we don't necessarily become entirely purged before we can begin to be illuminated at all; rather that every illumination must be preceded by a thorough purgation of whatever bit is standing in the way of the light.  We'll see if I am on the right track when we have finished reading Chapter 4 and can look at the thematic whole that is made from chapters 2, 3, and 4.

    + + +

    There's a reason why I find myself wondering if some of us have to go through a stage Benson hasn't mentioned.  I am apparently not the only person (based on some of the discussion in our little Facebook reading group) who has trouble identifying with the first two stages.   I mean, I do know people who were brought to a crisis of faith when they were

    brought face to face with some catastrophe in external matters…an unworthy priest, a disunited congregation, some scandal in Christian life…. She had thought that the Church must be perfect, because it was the Church of Christ, or the priesthood stainless…

    I am only revealing my own hubris and inborn cynicism, but I cannot imagine being taken in by the idea that the priesthood is stainless.

    I can imagine other people being shaken to their core by serious scandal.  I know it happens.  There's a reason scandal is a sin and that is because it is in fact dangerous to people.  I am not trying to trivialize it.  I'm just saying I don't think I ever had the illusion that the human things in the Church were perfect, or that they had to be. 

    Nor, to move on to the second stage, did I have the illusion (at least not intellectually) that my feelings at any given moment were a reliable source of information of what really is good or what really is true, such that a drying-up of my prayerful feelings should bring about a crisis of faith.   (Although it definitely can bring about a crisis of fidelity, as one is much less likely to go through with one's morning prayer if one is not feeling particularly warm towards the practice at the time.  My solution to that has been to drink my coffee first.) 

    Nor do I think it makes any sense at all to place the blame on Christ that, after years of asking "only say the word and my soul shall be healed,"

    behold! she is the same as ever.

    (Lord.  Say the word already.)

    I wrote in the margin of my book, "If intellect supersedes emotion, it's not THAT hard."  

    One possibility here is that Robert Hugh Benson was fairly careful about following the Rule of Three and didn't want to list any more "stages" in the Way of Purgation.

    Another possibility is that he mostly covered an emotional aspect of the first two stages (disillusionment with human things, and disillusionment with divine things)  for reasons of his own particular experience and emphasis. 

    Because how could there not be an intellectual purgation as well? 

    Those of us who are unsentimental by nature don't risk building a plush Christ out of pious feelings and attractive liturgy and china-doll priests. 

    But we do risk building a wooden Christ out of unshakeable principles and reasonable arguments.   

    Some of us do not run the risk of becoming cynical because we have lost our illusion that romance is truth.  We never thought that, so we are unlikely to say with Benson's soul, "Perhaps, after all, experience is the only truth worth having."

    But we do run the risk, when our principles and arguments fail to save us, of saying with Pilate, "What is truth?"

    + + +

    The third stage of Benson's purgative way is placed last for a good reason:  it's really the ultimate end of purgation, the stripping of the self, the very interior of our interiors, the opening of the last door to let Christ into the very center.  And I do not think I understand it much at all; and a plausible explanation for that is, well, not being done with it.  

    [I return to this paragraph as editor and I notice:  There's the intellectual hubris raising its head again.    Here I am suggesting that a lack of holiness is, in some way, equivalent to a lack of understanding.  The soul defends itself even in the examination of itself.]

    I do understand [argh, there I go again] the temptation of ceasing to progress through despair and how the despair is "pride under the very subtle guise of extravagant humility:"  for if "I must sink back again to the common level," well, then, I get to be the uncommon fish in the common pond, don't I?  The nicest of the damned?  Or if I say  "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man"—well, could I not be motivated by simply no longer wanting to hear the voice that I hear accusing me?

    + + +

    I just have two more little notes I want to make, both of which look forward to later chapters.  

    The latter, first:  We have just seen that we are supposed to be disillusioned from the idea that "human things… however Christian they may be, they are not, after all, Christ."   And yet, when we arrive at part II, we are going to learn how we literally find Christ in… humans.  The priest, the saint, the sinner, the average man, the sufferer… and the Church, which is a body of humans, and the Eucharist (this being a bit easier for Catholics and perhaps Lutherans and a few other Christians who will not call it Merely A Human Thing; Catholics, at least, will say that it is A Human).  So when we get to part II it will be interesting to see precisely how Benson means to say Christ is in each of these things that is not part of the illusion.  

    The other, nearer.   I am drawn to re-reading the Gospel episode alluded to here:

    Now is the very instant in which the beloved soul, having learnt her last lesson of the Purgative Way, is fit to "cast herself into the sea" to come to Jesus.

    The footnote is to John 21:7, just after the disciples cast the net to the right side of the boat on the direction of the unrecognized Jesus, and catch all the fish.  The translation I have at hand says:

    The disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his clothes, for he was stripped for work, and sprang into the sea.

    I find myself a little hung up on the pause: "he put on his clothes, for he was stripped for work" before casting himself into the sea.  Is it something we should emulate, or an acknowledgment of some imperfect hesitancy?   Hard to say.  Anyway, the whole episode strikes me as worthy of keeping in mind as we turn to what follows the soul's "casting herself into the sea," that is, the Illuminative Way.

    Next up: Chapter 4, "The Illuminative Way," with commentary by Cat.

     

     

    ___________________________________ 

    *I'm inclined to attribute the use of the gendered pronoun here to a tradition of Christian spiritual writing in Romance languages, in which the noun meaning "soul" is grammatically feminine; it also has two practical benefits, distinguishing by pronouns "she" the soul from "He" (Christ), and subtly recalling the relationship in which Christ is Bridegroom.


  • The Friendship of Christ, Chapter 1: “General.”

    This is part of a read-along hosted by myself and MrsDarwin of DarwinCatholic

    The main page is here.  

    MrsDarwin's biographical sketch of the author, Robert Hugh Benson, is here.

    My introductory post is here.

    + + +

    A couple of years ago I got it into my head to write a blog post on the topic of "having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."  Specifically, what that oft-heard, evangelical-sounding phrase even means

    "Obviously," I thought, "we can't have an interpersonal relationship in the same sense that we have friendships with other earth-dwellers.  So what is it?  He already knows us perfectly.  How can an individual soul know him back?  In a way that is highly personal and specific to that particular person, not just as a story that's available to anyone?"

    My working theory, fairly nicely tied up and following the rule of three:  A person can know what Jesus has done for them (by self-examination of their own specific sins and faults that Jesus atoned for.  A person can know what Jesus promises them:  forgiveness of those sins specifically, truthful answers to the questions in their own heart, the wholeness of the person that they are created to be.  And a person can know what Jesus is asking of them, specifically:  their particular vocation, the sacrifices asked in each moment, their cooperation in the divine plan.

    And it was all very logical and smart, but despite starting to write it many times over a period of nearly two years, mostly in crowded coffee shops—remember those?—I never could make it come out onto the page in a satisfiying way.   My formula lacked something.   I touched on the idea of "personal" in the sense of being particular to the person who seeks, but I missed the Person Sought.   I wrote about "knowing" in an intellectual sense, but not at all in the relationship sense:  all savoir and no connaître.

    + + +

    In Chapter 1 of The Friendship of Christ, Robert Hugh Benson solves my problem. 

    When I had first tackled the problem of the "personal relationship with Christ," I had assumed that it wasn't, well, real, but only a kind of symbol or representation.   But I hadn't connected it to  the many representations  we've handed down of Christ as a sort of person we can relate to, and how all of these representations are ways of making something invisible real to us. 

    Christ is a King:  we know something about earthly kings, and the relationship that people have to their king; and we can extrapolate from the flawed kings of history, ruling on fear of power or their tenuous claims to authority, and imagine an ideal King with perfect power and perfect authority, and understand a little bit of how we are to relate to the King of creation.  Christ is a Judge:  we know something of judges and rules and laws, and we know the delicate balance between ruling in iron accord with the law and ruling with merciful consideration of the particular circumstances, and we can imagine a perfect Judge and anticipate appearing before Him.  Christ is born the son of Mary:  we know something of babies, how they are vulnerable and poor and worthy of protection and full of promise and adorable, and we know how to love them and carry them around in our hearts, and we can do that with the image of the infant Jesus.  And so on and so on.  I am not a vowed religious but I figure that those who are have an understanding of Christ as Spouse that works for them.   All of these things made some sense to me before.  But I didn't really connect it to the "personal relationship" in a practical way.

    Benson simply calls "the personal relationship with Jesus"—that pious formula coined who-knows-where—by the name Friend.  It seems revolutionary.  It seems obvious.  

    "I have called you friends."

    Benson says,

    If then there is anything clear in the Gospels it is this—that Jesus Christ first and foremost desires our friendship.

    A bold statement!  "First and foremost?"  If that's so, what can this be other than the euphemistically named "personal relationship" we have been telling each other is so important?   And why have we been afraid to call it what it is?

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    There are a lot of surprises here.  

    For example, as Benson points out, friendship is not necessarily permanent.  It has no vow.  Even without any fault, or falsehood:  "We form friendships, and grow out of them."

    Nor, despite its particularity, is it exclusive, or meant to be so.

    It might almost be said that we cannot retain the faculty of friendship unless we are continually making new friends:  just as, in religion, in proportion as we form inadeqate images and ideas of the divine which for the time we adore, and presently change for others, we progress in the knowledge of the True God.

    We friend-make very differently at age five, at sixteen, at thirty, at sixty.   (And yet two people who are friends at five may still be friends at eighty.  My grandmother's first friend lived across the street in 1926; the two little girls were not allowed to cross, so they played together by rolling a ball across the road.  Seventy-two years later they were still best friends; I have a photo of them dancing together at my wedding.) 

    Friendship with Christ, whatever it means here on earth, must be a strange familiarity, a changeable constant.

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    I think we'll be approaching the subject from a way that Benson might not have anticipated, writing from the time and place that he did. 

    With respect to place:  As an English Catholic convert, he must always have been conscious of the distinction between Catholic sensibilities and Church-of-England ones, and when he writes of Catholics-in-particular I believe he's implicitly contrasting us with Anglicans-in-specific.   North American Catholics, of course, though we are no small minority, view ourselves against a different background. Here American-style Protestantism (the ones with a prominent emphasis on "personal relationship with Jesus Christ") and American-style secular culture struggle for dominance, occasionally cooperating.  And so when he writes, "It is at once the privilege and the burden of Catholics that they know so much of Jesus Christ," I think he's drawing a comparison to something rather different.

    With respect to time: 

    Catholics…are prone—through their very apprehension of Jesus Christ as their God, their High Priest, their Victim, their Prophet and their King—to forget that His delights are to be with the sons of men more than to rule the Seraphim, that, while His Majesty held Him on the throne of His Father, His Love brought him down on pilgrimage…

    If I may generalize, I suspect that Benson wrote for a time when, he thought, many understand Christ mainly as a mysterious, distant, imperial, majestic Divinity.  He offered a way to see Christ in approachable humanity, and called it novel.

    Nowadays it seems not novel at all to view Jesus as a human being.  If anything we are surrounded by images of Jesus-as-our-kind-friend, someone just like us.  Perhaps the pendulum has swung too far the other way:  Jesus has become in popular culture a tame lion, and we've long lost our idea of Jesus as Holy and King and God.  So the corrective that Benson is applying might be thought outdated.

    But… perhaps it is not a case of a pendulum swinging too far one way or another, but of going in the wrong direction entirely.  I often thought that the problem was one of balance and emphasis, that we needed the right amount of awe, distance, respect, and fear, counterbalanced by the right amount of warmer intimacies like trust, love, and compassion. 

    But now I wonder if Robert Hugh Benson has the correct corrective.   It isn't that Jesus is part King and part Lamb; it is that Jesus is all King and all Lamb:  all the things He is, He is at once.  He is King and Prophet and High Priest and Victim; He is Bread and Physician and Bridegroom; He is Saint and Sinner and regular average guy; and at the same time He is Friend, suffusing all these things, so that through our friendship with Him we can reach and touch and know Him in all these ways.  

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    One more thing.  I think Robert Hugh Benson is preparing us, in this introductory chapter, to think about our human friendships which we understand well, and use them as signs pointing us how to become friends with Christ.

    But for some of us, it may be more the other way around.  We know something of the love of Christ, and if we can understand that the love of Christ is a true friendship, well, then we can figure out exactly how this friendship thing is supposed to work, and learn to be better friends and appreciate the friends we have.  And then perhaps that knowledge and experience we can take back to Jesus, and our bond with him can grow stronger, different, more mature:  the "conscious companionship" of Jesus Christ that is "the very secret of the Saints."

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    Next up:  we begin Part I in earnest, looking in at the interior manifestation of the friendship with Christ, from conversion to conversion.   Here's Mrs. Darwin on Chapter 2.