bearing blog

bearing blog


bear – ing n 1  the manner in which one comports oneself;  2  the act, power, or time of bringing forth offspring or fruit; 3 a machine part in which another part turns [a journal ~];  4  pl comprehension of one’s position, environment, or situation;   5  the act of moving while supporting the weight of something [the ~ of the cross].

  • The power of routine, or, is it a good or bad idea to be flexible?

    One thing I'm discovering is that I screw up — eat too much — far more easily when I'm deviating from my usual schedule.

    I realize it very quickly these days.  Now that I'm out of "practice," I feel uncomfortably full just a few minutes after overdoing it.  

    This happened to me today.  Usually, I have breakfast when I wake, lunch at 12:30, and dinner at 6 or 6:30; I usually don't eat solid food after dinner's over, except maybe a piece of chocolate.  On Thursdays, the kids have swimming lessons from 6 to 6:40, so that's our Family Gym Night.  On Thursdays we have dinner around 7:15.  I have a midafternoon snack, and I get dinner ready in advance so I don't nibble while preparing it, and usually there's no problem.

    For a couple of reasons, tonight Mark and I decided I should feed the kids and myself an early dinner BEFORE meeting him at the gym for swimming.  I made scrambled eggs and ham and toast for them.  And I ate… OK, you're going to think this is weird, but I ate an entire package of Brussels sprouts.  So far so good, but then I went on and had some of the ham and eggs and  toast too, and also some leftover rice noodles, and … what was I thinking?  Right NOW I am thinking "ooooff I feel so full."  But what was going on with that?  

    A mess of stuff.  I skipped the 3:30  snack because I was going to eat dinner at five or so, an hour early.  And then by the time 4:15 rolled around, I wasn't HUNGRY exactly, but I started to want to eat.  I was cold, for one thing.  I am cold all the time now, I guess for want of insulation.  And the thought of eating something hot started to consume me.  So I started cooking the Brussels sprouts.  And then the eggs.  And then the eggs were done before the sprouts.  And then the kids didn't finish the eggs.  And then they left a bunch of toast on their plates.  And I started thinking, "Gosh, if I don't eat extra now, I'll be pretty hungry later, seeing as how I never eat a bedtime snack anymore!"  (Mental note:  Beware, beware of the "I'd better eat more now so I'm not hungry later" line of thought.  It is evil.)  I don't know.  Somewhere in there came the thought that I should eat some chocolate to send a signal to myself that my dinner was done.  Somehow I decided I needed to send that signal a couple of times.   

    I'm OK now.  I have a cup of coffee in front of me.  And I have to leave for swimming soon.  And I feel alarmingly full.  And I know, I just know, that I would not have done this — basically a binge, which is only sort of redeemed by the fact that it's mostly Brussels sprouts by weight — if I had planned on eating dinner after swimming as usual.

    This all underscores to me that even though I am not overweight anymore, I still have a problem.  Euphemisms, sheesh.  I have an unhealthy attachment to food and to being unhungry.  I have developed a lot of coping strategies, and I can't let go of them, at least not yet.   One of those strategies is, more or less, a strict schedule for my meals and snacks.  I have seen that I change it at my peril.  

    It comes on top of a recent conversation I had with Mark.  He thinks I should start being more flexible. Especially with regard to exercise.  I still refuse to miss a swimming workout.  I still swim every Monday and every Thursday.  When our pool was closed for repairs over the summer, I drove across town to another one, even if it seriously messed up our family's schedule.  I am already making plans to drive 20 minutes into town from my in-laws' so that I can swim at the Y near their house when we stay with them later.  He wants me to quit swimming so much and take up something more portable, like running, that I can do even if swimming becomes unworkable on a particular day.

    He has a point.  I am not ready, though, to change my routines.  I lost the weight by doing what I have been doing.  I don't want to do something else.  Mark thinks it's time for me to move on.   He has been fantastically supportive, and has never complained about the stresses I put on our family with my workouts and the scheduling of meals — at least not until now.   I know from experience that I can change my routines, but I also know from experience that I have to change them slowly, experiment with them, see what works — not just jump from one to the other.  Safe "flexibility" is a carefully curated toolbox of strategies, each proven to work in different situations.  I have had time to develop only a few.  This is going to take me years.

    I think he looks at me and sees someone who has solved her weight problem.  But I am me, and I know what I am, and I am not someone who has solved her weight problem.  I am a person who still lives with it, because my "problem" is the cause, not the symptom; the weight is gone, but I have the same biochemistry, the same psychology, I always have.  I am not stable here.  I am not robust.  I am a recovering obese person, and maybe always will be.   

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    3 comments on The power of routine, or, is it a good or bad idea to be flexible?

  • Licorice. And a tea link.

    I love licorice.  If my kids buy a bag of jelly beans or spice drops, I'm sure to hover over, begging for all the black ones.  (Purple too, if it's clove flavor.)  I don't keep a lot of candy around for myself, and am trying to develop a  taste for the obligatory Daily Square of Dark Chocolate that is supposed to be my antioxidant-packed sweet-tooth indulgence; but every once in a while, black licorice calls out to me. 

     Lately I can't get the idea of eating an entire bag of black gumdrops out of my mind.  So I got a little bag of Hershey's boutique licorice at Target and have been allowing myself ONE after dinner, leaving the dark chocolate to Mark.  (Believe me, sticking to one is a good idea.  I have a fighting chance of stopping after one.  I count licorice as prehistoric people are said to have counted:  "one, two, many.")  I can report that it is very nice licorice, but I am still unsatisfied.

    I think it's time for me to investigate other sources of licorice flavor, like xylitol gum or herb tea or flavored black tea.

    By the way, the two tea links go to TeaSource, a St. Paul tea merchant that I totally recommend.  Check out the herbal teas — especially Margaret's Soother (peppermint, clove, and licorice!) and Evening in Missoula, which are two of my favorites.  If you need a random emergency gift to take home with you for Christmas, just in case you forgot somebody, it's hard to go wrong with a packet or two of boutique herb tea.

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    1 comment on Licorice. And a tea link.

  • Commitment.

    Today I gave away a bunch of clothes in sizes 10 and 12 — including some of the GOOD clothes!   the stuff I love(d) to wear!  My red Patagonia hiking skirt I bought just last year!  My warm wool pants!  My classic black turtleneck I've worn since I was in high school!  Also the cream one (and how the heck did it last so long without coffee stains?!  Charmed, I tell you!)  

    I gave them to a friend who has also been losing weight, and so has the same "problem" I do of not enough clothes.  

    Oo, that was hard to do!  But you know what, they don't fit anymore.  That's that.

    Now, let's see… am I ready to get my wedding ring re-sized?  I guess that's better than losing it, but it feels like a really big step.

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  • Depressing funerals.

    Fr. Z. at What does the Prayer Really Say?  has an important post reacting to a newspaper story that described a "celebratory" funeral Mass for a Cincinnati-area priest.

    Catholic funerals have gone the way of Catholic weddings:  People have certain expectations of what a "funeral" should be like, and these days a funeral is supposed to be a celebration of the life of the deceased.  That's the way that TV funerals have gone, and that's the way that design-your-own funerals have gone.  

    As usual, the way we Catholics do it — or at least the way we are supposed to do it — clashes with the fashions of the day.

     - A funeral Mass is still a Mass.  As such, its purpose is not to celebrate the life of the deceased.  We have a means to celebrate the life of the deceased.  It is called a "wake."  It happens BEFORE the funeral.  

     - It is not okay to assume that the deceased is already in heaven.  By all means let's hope he or she has made it there, no matter what we know or don't know about how the deceased spent his or her life/last moments.   But (a) let's not give the impression, by saying "he's in heaven now" about everybody who dies no matter what, that everybody will be in heaven after he dies no matter what; (b) let's not forget to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased.  We believe it makes a difference.

    Does this come from the wider American Protestant culture, in which praying for the dead is frowned upon (not exactly sure why — maybe I've got a reader who can explain it)?  Or is it just a kind of politeness?  ("If we suggested that we should pray for the repose of his/her soul, we'd be telling the family that we think the deceased is not exactly a saint.  Better just smile and say "He's in a better place now.")  Or does it come from the expectations created by movies and TV shows, just as people are sometimes surprised not  to hear "speak now or forever hold your peace" or "you may now kiss the bride" or Mendelssohn's Wedding March at real Catholic weddings?

    Fr. Z's post reminded me that when we pray for "the poor souls in Purgatory who have no one to pray for them," these days, we might well be praying for people who had hundreds of mourners at their funerals.

    Sheesh.  Hey everyone:  If I die suddenly, let's do the black vestments, the requiem, the whole shebang.  Get me a month of Gregorian masses!  And don't forget I'll need all the help (prayers) I can get.

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    3 comments on Depressing funerals.

  • More roasted veg.

    Christy emailed me this link to a recipe of roasted broccoli with lemon and pecorino romano.  Looks great!  And more holiday-worthy than my Plain Potluck Veg.  I think this is what I will bring to Grandma's next week.

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  • Remorse.

    Why?  Why did I make blondies for the kids' tea time?  Why? Why?

    UPDATE:  Resolve:  One, not  two, slices of pizza for dinner tonight.

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  • The scale.

    108.2, 108.0, 108.8, 108.4, 109.6   –> 108.6

    Weight-control pundits don't agree on whether it's a good idea for a loser like me to step on the scale every day.   Warnings against it are more common (google "weigh yourself every day" and see what comes up).  I suspect that those who warn against it don't have a good grasp of normal variation.  It's disturbingly common to read in mainstream articles quotes from "experts" who basically say,

    "Research shows that people who weigh themselves daily are more likely to keep the weight off.  But don't do it, because the numbers!  they will go up and down! and make you feel bad!  and confuse you!  and we all know it's unhealthy to be obsessed with numbers!  so don't do it!  Even though research shows that people who weigh themselves daily are more likely to keep the weight off."

    I'm even more annoyed by the statement that "Because your weight goes up and down, you get a more accurate picture of your weight by weighing less often."  Hello!  It depends on your sampling frequency!  Taking fewer samples will not give you a "more accurate" picture.  It just won't muddle your pretty little head, apparently.

    Research does show that daily weighings are associated with successful weight maintenance.  Too, I think it's a good idea to know what the normal variation is.   Because I've seen how much my weight can vary from day to day — and I've also had a few days where I've stepped on the scale every hour, just to see how it changes through a day (interesting experiment, try it some time) — I'm not startled by, for example, the difference between 109.6 this morning and 108.0 three days ago.  It really is part of the normal variation.

    It is also a reminder that I have about one more pound to lose, because I want it to be bouncing around 108.0, not above 108.0.  As exciting as it was to see 108.0 on the scale a few days ago, that is not "my weight."  "My weight" is a running average of five days.   Still, I announced "the last three pounds" only a bit more than a week ago, so progress is being made.

    I find that I can keep up the strict habits for about three days straight and then I indulge in something — three pieces of toast at breakfast, for example, or syrup on my waffles, or a bagel left over from the children's bedtime snack — and the next couple of days I notice an uptick.  I steel myself, boil an egg, and dive into another three days of paying close attention. 

    Well, even though today's breakfast was blueberry-topped walnut waffles and homemade whole-milk yogurt, and even though dinner is pizza, today will be a stricter day.  I'm also going to experiment with skipping the midmorning snack, or maybe having a snack signifier of three almonds, to see if the heartier-than-usual breakfast carries me comfortably through to lunch.

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  • “The Saint Diet.”

    Jen at Conversion Diary is asking for help designing better lunches so she can achieve holiness through better blood sugar.  If you have ideas, or want to see what her commenters suggested, here's the link.

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    1 comment on “The Saint Diet.”

  • Servants and sons.

    I was reading a historical biography to Ben and Oscar this morning and came upon a sentence:

    "After all, Captain Newport had made him cabin boy; he was used to telling Thomas what to do, as if he were a servant, or as if he were really a son."

    It immediately called to mind the contrast between "servants" and "sons" that we say marks the difference that Christ's redemption has made in our relationship to God.

    In that passage, the captain commands the boy, and the boy obeys,  as if he were a servant OR as if he were a son.  It doesn't really matter, at least not outwardly.  Both servitude and sonship carry — or at least they once carried — an implication of total obedience on the part of one, total authority on the part of the other.  And yet they mean something so very different.

    Nowadays, for better or worse, "sons" and "servants" are not so easily mistaken for one another.  So maybe we forget how very interior and unseen the difference can be, before and after redemption.

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  • Thanksgiving.

    Do you have any little bits of Scripture that stick in your head for no apparent reason? 

    I have certain passages of Scripture that stick in my mind for, well, apparent reasons.   Once my confessor ended my absolution with "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his mercy endures forever."  That stuck in my mind.  Another time, moments after I had given birth, I exclaimed "I don't know how I did that!" and the midwife half-turned on her way out the doorway and said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  That stuck in my mind too.  And then there are some that I take to heart because they have so much to teach about our faith.  "Do whatever he tells you."  "Behold thy mother."  "On this rock I shall build my church."  I know why I remember all these.

    There are a few other passage that pop into my mind for no apparent reason at all.    One of these is "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad."  It's from Psalm 118, a very popular psalm, and there are of course lots of hymns written on it, so maybe that's how it got stuck in my head.  For many, many years, whenever I stepped outside on a glorious, sunny, blue-skied day, no matter what other things had been on my mind, that little sentence would pop into my head.  It always arrived without context; I could never have recited the rest of the psalm, nor even remembered that it contains others of my favorite passages.

    Anyway, it always prompted me to stop and be thankful for the lovely blue-skied day that seemed to inspire the thought, and made me feel satisfied and a bit less worldly, more holy.  I always thought of it, therefore, as a verse for being thankful about the many blessings in my life, thankful for beauty and for things going my way.  I never considered any other thing it might mean.

    It went on like that for years.  And then once I was having an awful day, a terrible day.  The details don't matter.   No major catastrophes, of course — It was one of those ordinary terrible days, the ones where you lose all perspective and say "poor me" because you ran out of detergent and have to wash all your dishes by hand, or you were stuck in traffic and missed your appointment, or you have to stay home with a sick child instead of going to a party, maybe all three things at once.  Having one of those terrible days and wishing it were different, and suddenly there it was:

    "This is the day the Lord has made."

    "This is the day the Lord has made."

    Not some other day; this.

    And suddenly that bit, which I'd always thought of as nothing more prayer of thankfulness for blessings, became a wakeup call, an admonition to live in the present and to accept what comes.  And not just with acceptance, but with rejoicing and gladness.

    It's never sounded the same to me since, not even when I step out under the blue blue sky.

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    1 comment on Thanksgiving.

  • Roast vegetables, four ideas.

    OK, first of all, one thing to do is Google "roast vegetables recipe,"  plus any ingredient you particularly want to include, e.g., "roast vegetables broccoli recipe."  There are plenty of hits, and you'll get plenty of ideas.

    Second, a plug for two less-fancy-looking roasted vegetables that I make on a regular basis:  roasted asparagus and roasted green beans.  They may not be good enough for Thanksgiving, but they are easy and addictive.   I suppose you could mix them together, though I never have.  Trim and wash them.  Oil a baking pan or jelly roll pan (something with a lip to contain the oil) with as much oil as you like; the minimum is to brush a thin layer on to prevent sticking, the maximum is several tablespoons.  Toss in all your trimmed, washed, patted-dry asparagus or green beans, salt and pepper, and toss with your hands to coat lightly with the oil.  Roast at 400 degrees F until they're done to your liking, tossing occasionally with tongs.  20 minutes is a good amount to start.  You want to get them at least crisp-tender, and the longer they go the browner and wrinklier and more tender they get.  I suppose if you wanted to dress them up for a potluck, you could roast some halved cherry tomatoes alongside and sprinkle them with something else pretty, like slivered almonds or shaved parmesan.  OR BACON!  [ed. Stop that.]

    Third, here is a recipe for Garlic-Roasted Vegetables that has more variety but looks easier than what I usually do.  It's from The Volumetrics Eating Plan by Barbara Rolls.

    • 1 cup cauliflower flowerets
    • 1 cup broccoli flowerets 
    • 2 cups 1-in slices of zucchini 
    • 1 and 1/2 cups 1-inch carrot sticks 
    • 1 1/2 cups thickly sliced onions
    • 1 1/2 cups 1-in-diced unpeeled "boiling" potatoes 
    •  1 tsp chopped garlic
    • 1 tsp dried thyme 
    • 1/2 tsp salt 
    • 1/4 tsp pepper 
    • 1/4 c chopped parsley  

    Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.  Coat a 9×13 pan with baking spray [I would rather brush it with olive oil or rub it with coconut oil — Erin]  Toss everything but the parsley in the baking pan.  Lightly coat with cooking spray.  [yuck — I repeat, just use olive oil, the fat won't kill you]  Bake for 40-45 min or until the potatoes are tender.  Serve sprinkled with parsley. 

    Finally, here is what I do when I make my Plain Roast Vegetable Medley that I like to take to potlucks.  

    Be warned:  It really is on the plain side.  It doesn't have any of the characteristics you usually associate with "this would be great for a potluck!"  That honor usually goes to things that are very rich (like fudge) or very comfort-foody (like green bean casserole with the onion topping) or vaguely exotic yet widely appealing ("The secret ingredient is hoisin sauce!")  


    No, the thing that makes Plain Roast Vegetable Medley good for potlucks is that nobody else will think to bring a plain roast vegetable medley.  Oh, also, it's vegan and pretty much allergy-free.


    Erin's Plain Roast Vegetable Medley For Potlucks

    • 2 big bunches broccoli
    • 4 big yellow squash 
    • Several carrots (at least four, maybe more) 
    • Olive oil OR coconut oil
    • Minced garlic – between a tsp and a tablespoon 
    • Herb of your choice (thyme's good, so's oregano) 

      Cut up the broccoli into 1-inch chunks.  Peel the tough stalk and cut that up into chunks too.  Cut the yellow squash into thick slices, halving them if they're really big.  Cut the carrots into tinier chunks.  Put the vegetables into baking pans that have been lightly greased with olive or (warmed in the preheating oven) coconut oil and toss a little bit to coat with the oil.  Add minced garlic and herb.  Place in the oven.

    Turn every ten minutes or so.  

    You don't have to do it this way, but:  I typically roast the vegetables in separate pans so I can remove them when each is done exactly how I like them.  Then I toss them together in a big bowl and add salt and pepper while they're still hot.  I usually serve them at room temperature.

    Bonus:  The leftovers are excellent tossed with cooked pasta and a little salad dressing.

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  • No subject.

    Photo Dump 2006 147 copy

    Photo 52 13-35-56

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