Conflict.

Typing feels like moving through wet sludge this week.  I'm going to try to get this post out, though, while the middle kids are decompressing with some cartoons, the oldest is finishing his mechanics assignment (think punctuation, not wrenches), and the baby is sleeping.  I mixed myself a rum and coke before I sat down, hoping that the combination of caffeine and relaxant will generate a little fluency.  *slurp*  Let's see.

I don't know why, but I have had little desire to write this week.  Many ideas, little desire.  Could be the early days of school; lots to do, less time.  Could be that I have decided to embark on the consecration I mentioned a few days ago (thanks to those of you who emailed me and commented — it was very helpful).  On that, I've had a number of thoughts I've wanted to share, but had difficulty putting into words.  This probably isn't the post for it.  I will write about it.  I want to write about it.  Somehow I keep abandoning the posts after two or three sentences.

The kids are pushing back at me as we get started with school.  Except for coschooling, which is so far fine, my days are so much less than I want them to be.  If only there were enough of me to go around.  If only I had enough energy at the end of the day to greet "Can I watch videos now?!?" with anything other than relief.   I have made sure that my day's schedule includes a block of time spent one-on-one with each school-aged child.  That's an improvement over last year.  Now if I could just get the others to stop interrupting.  

And why so much drama?  Why so much wailing about what there is to do and how long it will take?  Why not just sit down and do the damn stuff?  

I'd better shut up on that last point, lest I have to take my own advice.

All right, I think I'm done venting.  I just wanted to keep the blog from going blank.  

Yesterday I went for a swim at the end of the day, and thought furiously as I plowed back and forth across the pool.  I just need to discern what I'm supposed to be doing, I thought, figure out how best to allocate the limited resource that is me.  An answer floated back to me as I touched the side of the pool:  No, it is much simpler than that; I just have to do what I can and do it in love.  If I don't know how to do that, I have to ask for the grace to do it, and trust that it will be enough.  It makes sense, but I wonder what it would feel like; I don't think I have ever tried.