Interruptions.

Jun 2, 2011

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Sometimes I feel that I lack role models for my, er, role. Here I am raising kids Catholic, for instance, when I wasn't a Catholic kid myself. Daily I flounder in the unfamiliar waters of a happy marriage. And I didn't grow up in a family with four kids, either. So I never quite know if I'm doing all that stuff right.

Yesterday the five of us — me and the four children — 10, 7, 4, 1 — went to the grocery store. If I have to do the shopping, we go early in the morning when the store isn't crowded. I think the kids are pretty well-behaved, but I always feel so noisy. The four of them are constantly chattering at me (okay, the baby isn't exactly chattering, but he's not exactly quiet either) and I'm continuously barking orders. You. Go fetch me four lemons. You. Put this back, it's not on our list. You. Watch the cart for a minute. You. Hold this, er, thing. No. Don't give the baby a yogurt to hold, he'll peel the foil off with his teeth again. You. Run back to the produce section and find my grocery list, I think I left it on the tomatoes.

As I said, they are pretty well-behaved, and it goes fairly smoothly. But it's not exactly fun for us all. We are always in a hurry, because we are cutting into our school time, and I want to get home and get it all put away so we can buckle down and get our work done. So I'm barking orders. And they're running back and forth with lemons and tomatoes and boxes of pasta, and my seven-year-old has figured out exactly how to pick the moment when I will answer any request with "Yeah, yeah, right, whatever" and not remember what it is that he asked for. At least I think so. He says I told him yes.

The checkout line is the worst. Around here the grocery store, unless it is a gratuitously fancy one, doesn't provide anyone to bag your groceries. (If the baby is screaming by the time I am checking out, sometimes they call for one out of pity. I do appreciate that.) I have enough trouble navigating this when I'm all by myself: unload cart, run to the end of the belt and bag groceries, keep one eye on the cashier so that when necessary I can pop up and say things like, "That? Oh, that's jicama — no, it's not a rutabaga," run back and swipe my credit card and then run forward again to bag more groceries before they back up on the belt, and so on.

When I have all four children with me, it does go slightly more smoothly because they can help. (And if the baby is screaming, sometimes the cashier calls for a bagger out of pity.) The result is that the chattering and barking reach a peak. I would really like to see my ten- and seven-year-old boys industriously opening bags and packing groceries while my four-year-old daughter and I unload the cart together and the baby makes faces at the people behind us. This does happen, at least for a few moments at a time. I have to keep reminding my seven-year-old that I need him to work.

Yesterday the baby was making faces at a young dad with one small girl ensconced in the little red plastic car that was attached to the front of the cart. I had already sized him up as the type who was likely to make faces back at the baby, thus entertaining the baby and allowing me more time to help pack groceries, er, I mean, bark at the bigger children. "Wow, you've got your hands full," he said as I rifled through my own wallet, and then corrected himself to, "…but I see that you also have a lot of help."

I do, I do have a lot of help.

I wish… I wish right now that I felt able to listen to each one of the children. Sometimes it feels like no child can speak to me, offer to show me something, or ask me a question without interrupting me.

"Mom, can I–"

"Just a minute, I'm talking to your sister."

"Mom, let me show you –"

"Wait a minute, I have to change the baby's diaper."

"Mom, can I ask you a question?"

"Not right now, I'm in the middle of teaching your brother his math lesson."

This is one of those places I could use a role model. I believe it's important to teach kids not to interrupt. But some days it just feels like there is no time they could possibly ask me anything without interrupting. One takes time from the other, all day long. When am I going to listen to this one? To this one? To her? To him? When?

Comments

5 responses to “Interruptions.”

sara

June 2, 2011

I don’t have any answers, but I do appreciate knowing that I’m not the only one . . . mine are at 10, 7, 5, and 6 mos. We don’t homeschool, so when I do go grocery shopping I try to time it for when the older two are in school–if for no other reason than I have a hard time fitting a week’s worth of groceries in the truck along with all four kids. I need a couple of empty seats for the bags. The interruption thing is really hard here too. Most of all when my husband and I are trying to have something resembling a conversation and the kids are vying for both of our attention.

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Stephanie

June 2, 2011

A couple of things you can try:
Don’t give lengthy explanations at the interruptions. Instead of making your brain process the words to explain why, just hold up one finger in a “just a moment” motion, lock eyes with the child wanting something, and if it looks really really important, you’ll know because you paid attention for long enough to figure it out.
Always follow up. If someone wanted to say something, and they’ve waited to say it, attend to that as soon as you can, so that you’re being honorable about your promises and dictates.
In stores, it will help them chatter less (and less noisily) if you speak quietly to them. But mostly, don’t put so much pressure on yourself! Nobody’s following you with the Parenting Evaluator Camera to project you into the evening news.
What’s better? A little bit of missed time in school work while we do real world math in the grocery store and have some fun because this is different? Or forced marches through chores? It’s okay to have some fun. And it’s okay not to stick to the usual plan sometimes. It’s good for us!
(And besides … you’re doing just fine. You’ll look back at this when your own kids have little ones and wonder why they don’t realize how wonderfully they’re doing.)

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Barbara C.

June 2, 2011

I know what you mean. I’ve really been rethinking our schedules a lot this past week. I realized that my 3-year-old was really getting lost in the shuffle of schoolwork and housework. I’m really hoping to integrate even just 15 minutes of relatively undivided attention per day per kid.
I saw an interview with Michelle Duggar where she talks about how she often tries to take one child with her whenever she runs an errand, even just a short trip to the post office.
I’ve tried to do this some, too. I’ve alternated taking the girls with me for the weekly Aldi trip. And I try to set up a “date” at least once a year where I take each child to a favorite eatery that they don’t get very much.
But kids do need to learn that they don’t have the right to constantly interrupt with every thought on their mind and that their thoughts don’t matter more than everyone else’s. So, don’t beat yourself up over that.

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Amber

June 3, 2011

Boy, would I like a role model too!
I took the three kids and my big pregnant belly to the local natural food store (I’m just crunchy enough to buy organic milk and veggies there) at 5 p.m. and I felt like we were just too many people and too much activity to even be believed. I had a short list, but I didn’t feel like I could get out of there fast enough! It was rather comical to watch all the career folks take a look at my kids, my belly, then look away incredulously.
At this point I have my shopping organized such that I hit a major grocery store once a month for dry staples, Coscto every other month for cheese and other stuff, order meat in bulk (1/4 cow, half a pig, whole chickens in multiples from a local farmer), keep chickens for eggs, and then just dash into the natural foods store once a week for milk, fruit and veggies. I can be in and out of there in about 10 min by myself, and about 15 with kids – not so bad. The Costco trip can be rather harrowing, but I make an afternoon of it, buying hot dogs and ice cream, stopping for all the samples, etc. It takes forever, but we have a lot a fun. And besides, it is only every other month.
(And I managed to type this with only about 10 interruptions! It is amazing I can think at all anymore…)

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MelanieB

June 3, 2011

Even growing up as the eldest of four, I still don’t feel like I’ve always got a model for this. There are four years between me and my next sibling, ten years between me and the youngest. There’s less than five years between my oldest and youngest. My mom never had two in diapers much less three. So I feel I’m winging it too. I lose my temper and start yelling far too often just because I feel overwhelmed. (And because that was what happened in my house when things got crazy.)
I love the fact that our grocery store has a little scanner available so I can scan and bag as I go. It takes longer to get through the store; but when we get to the checkout when patience is fraying I only have to swipe my card to pay and then we are free to go. It is so much saner because we spend so much less time immobile at the checkout and I have more leisure to bag everything “just so” as I wander the aisles.

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