Jen at Conversion Diary has a great post about the question, "Do you want more children?" Very timely for me, as I have a physical scheduled next week and so I know I'll hear it. Obviously, as part of a medical exam it's a reasonable question, even though I would prefer a wording like "Are you hoping to have more children?" — it's the question from strangers that is so unbelievable. I cannot imagine ever asking anyone "Do you want more children?" least of all a stranger.
One of her commenters writes, "I think for many people, it is just a conversation starter out of curiosity, when having more then two is an oddity…. I don’t even think people realize what they are implying."
I think she's right about that, and yet it's so irritating to hear that question. Jen has six answers to "Do you want more children?" which are very good for internalizing the firm rejection of the question, although I might quibble with how many of them begin with the word "I".
But what we really need, of course, is something we can really say in answer to people. Jen's first answer –"It's not all about me" — is pretty good for that. It will be taken first as a way of clarifying whether the "you" means "you the mother" or "you the parents":
Q. Do you want more children?
A. It's not all about me (smile).
Q. Oh, of course, I mean, do you and your husband want more children?
Back to where you started. (There might be a tendency for the questioner to assume that there's a disagreement between you and your husband about it, but that's their problem, not yours.)
At that point you have an option of explaining further…
A. It's not all about us either, or about what we "want."
In the interest of short, life-affirming conversation, I have usually answered, "We would love to have more children." The truth is that we would; if we had them, we would love to have them. It's not appropriate for me to say I "want" another human being like I "want" a new iPad. It's nobody's business whether my life is such that I view it prudent to seek another pregnancy right now. I can't predict the future and know whether it will be prudent tomorrow, or (if you want to put it that way) what God will ask of me. The question is stupid but my answer is true.
And since what strangers (and maybe some family members) are really asking is, "like, are you one of those weirdos?" it gets right to the point as far as they are concerned. Why yes. Yes I am.
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