I was obese [editing note: I’d say “fat” today] for my entire life, up till age 33. That year, for no apparent reason, I had an epiphany: a new desire.
The twin desires for a better [thinner] body and better health, I’d always had those. As long as I remember I alternated between wanting thinness badly enough to work hard at trying to lose weight, and trying to resign myself to the “fact” that I likely never would do so permanently.
Something new came along in that thirty-fourth year. I can’t say for sure why. But what popped into my head that year — it was in May — was a new-born desire, not to look different but to live differently. I have described it before: All of a sudden, I got tired of eating so damn much.
[2025 note: These days the term is “food noise,” right? I had grown to hate the food noise.]
It was as simple as that. But it was also much more than that.
I had a desire to behave differently. But I still had two problems to solve.
First, I didn’t know what I should be doing instead. All I knew was that I wanted to get away from “eating so damn much.” I wanted to eat less. I didn’t know how much less I wanted to eat, or how often I wanted to eat, or even exactly what I wanted to be eating.
Second, and this is the key point I want to stress, I still felt the impulse to eat, as frequently and as strongly as ever. I desired to eat less. I was disgusted by how much I had been eating. And yet none of my impulses had weakened: I still felt an urge to nibble on my kids’ leftovers. I still wanted to extend the pleasure of a tasty meal into second helpings and thirds. I still longed on lonely evenings for the comfort of eating an entire pizza while staring at the computer screen. I still thought about going through a drive-through all by myself for a secret cheeseburger. None of that was any different.
The only thing different was a sudden, gut-level knowledge that I didn’t want to do those things anymore. Or at least I didn’t want to feel the urge to have those things any more. Or … I wanted the power to resist the urges. That is what was new. A counterbalance. I had never really wanted that before. Before, I had wanted to be thinner, but I hadn’t really wanted to give up the secret cheeseburgers, the comfort of the pizza, the extra helpings. Eating too much food had always meant experiencing more of the pleasure of tasting and swallowing. I had never stopped, really, until it hurt to have more.
You have to understand, if you are where I was, and if you are hoping that someday the impulses will just disappear, or that you can kill them… that they may never disappear, and yet even though they persist, it is possible to learn to ignore them. You see, I still have them. I still think about secret cheeseburgers. I still remember the prolonged pleasure of six slices of pizza. I still pause to study the contents of vending machines. I still get an urge to pile on the seconds after my plate is empty, every time. The impulses are not gone, they are not less frequent. If they seem weaker now (even though occasionally I do give in — I am not perfect, after all), I believe it is only because I am stronger now, after close to two years of resistance training. In the beginning they were just as strong as ever.
I didn’t gain willpower overnight. But I did, it seems, gain a will. And the will to live differently was enough to drive me to find a way around the obstacles, the impulses. It was suddenly so obvious to me that to follow these urges would still feel good, but would be the opposite of what I desired — those paths would not just take me the opposite direction from what I desired, they would BE the opposite of what I desired. I wanted to feel the steeper trail beneath my feet, not just the smooth downward grade. I wanted more than the view from the top. Though the effort would hurt, I wanted to climb.
That desire is something that seems to have come out of nowhere, a pure gift; the closest thing I have ever come to understanding what grace is. I believe there is more yet I can learn from it. I believe I know what I am to do with it next.
Will I?
**** Update. Erin asked in the comments for a recommendation for a kitchen scale. The key features for one to keep on the counter are, for me, (1) looks good, (2) wipes clean, (3) battery powered so it doesn’t take up an outlet, (4) tare button, (5) not very large. I use this one in black, for $24.
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