Longing.

I am at home with the baby in the sling, not a bad place to be.  The rest of my family is at the gym having Family Gym Night.  Milo has a swimming lesson, Mary Jane will be coloring pictures with Cindy-her-favorite-staffer-at-the-child-care, Oscar will be playing with the Wii Fit in the youth arcade, and Mark will be lifting weights.

I am in a rocking chair with the baby in the sling.  I wish I was at the gym.  I have not left my house in a week. 

"Maybe I could come with you?  Show off the baby?  Maybe walk around the track a couple of times with Leo in the sling?"

Mark pointed out how exhausted I got the other day just from sitting and chatting with Hannah for three hours, how I stayed in bed till noon yesterday and today, how I am having no trouble getting two-hour naps in the middle of every afternoon.  "You need to rest.  You are trying to do too much too soon.  You already cleaned out your closet today.  Stay home.  Rest up.  Wait a few more days."

So here I am, itching.  I keep thinking of things I ought to be doing.  I need to get up in the attic and find the christening gown.  I need to find some of my old "big clothes" to wear for the time being.  I need to put together a diaper bag.  Right?

And while I'm stuck sitting down so darn much, okay, I accept that we need to take a couple of weeks off from teaching, but as long as I'm here in this chair, couldn't I get a head start on planning next school year?  Shop for nursing clothes?  Pay my library fines online?

I admired my pregnant body, sleek and ripe, but postpartum is lumpy and misshapen.  I couldn't help it.  I weighed myself yesterday.   Shouldn't have done that yet, I think.  Dismay.  And still achy and stiff and slow from my recent exertions.    I fantasize about swimming.   I can't imagine running, ever again.  I think back to April, to a glimpse in a fitness-room mirror, myself on the treadmill, running — really running, sub-ten-minute miles.  Can I really do that?   Did I really do that?

And what's wrong with me that I can't just enjoy these slow and lazy days while they last?