It's kind of funny how you can get started on the wrong foot and then it goes all the way down hill, very fast. Or, maybe, on the wrong food.
Yesterday a friend asked me for I-can't-stop-eating advice. The timing was kind of funny, because I'd had an I-can't-stop-eating day. Yes, it still happens from time to time. I'm learning, though, that even a whole day of constant eating doesn't have to continue. All I have to do is stop. It's imperative to remember that what happened at breakfast a few hours ago, all the way up to the saltine cracker I just swallowed a second ago, is all in the past and does not have to control the future. Yeah, it can make the future a little more difficult, but it doesn't have the final say about whether to follow it with ANOTHER saltine cracker. I have the final say.
So what happened yesterday?
Hannah and Melissa came over with all their children, and we made our first stab at "doing" school together with all three families. It went really well! BUT it wasn't good for me food-wise (and that's my fault, not yours, H., and M., really, I'm not trying to drop any hints.)
Melissa had made sure her 4yo brought a treat to share with my 5yo to help them be happy with each other today, and it worked stunningly well, but also several fragments of those Blueberry Pop-Tarts found their way down my gullet. And Hannah had made a beautiful salmon loaf for the children (don't laugh, they loved it), flat in a baking dish so it would get all brown and crispy on the top, and full of cornmeal and peas, and while I behaved well at lunch eating my modest serving on top of my salad greens, I also gobbled bits off the children's plates, even bits that were sopping in barbecue sauce. And for tea-snack there was high-quality cheddar cheese, plus apples, plus crackers and cookies. Ergh. I mean, Yum! I mean, ergh.
I told myself at 4:30, "No problem, I'll just call that my dinner, let it all digest, and wake up good and hungry in the morning." But then I had to skip my workout because MJ refused to stay in the YMCA child care while the boys were in swimming lesson. And I felt too crummy about that to make dinner, so I promised the children french fries. And then Burger King was out of side salads, so I ordered a Whopper Jr. with everything and some fries, of course.
Do you know what? I felt so crappy last night. I had an awful headache and a sour stomach. When I do this to myself, I try very hard to lie there and remind myself, "This is what french fries feel like. This is what french fries feel like." And really, it wasn't the fries. It was a whole day full of a lot of nibbling on a lot of carby stuff, some of it refined and some of it not, but in general far too much.
This morning I remembered that sensation. I still had it like a lump in my gut when I first got up. I had a cup of coffee and put some steel-cut oats on to cook for the children, and while they had theirs with brown sugar and cinnamon, I had a small ramekin-full, plain with cream, and also an egg over easy and a big glass of tomato juice. I felt so restored by that somehow.
It always feels so good to get back on track. And it is so worthwhile to sit with that good feeling for a while and remind myself, "This is what having had a good breakfast feels like. This is what a good breakfast feels like."
Getting back on track, for me, is less about abstaining from the bad stuff than it is about filling up on the good stuff. And, crucially, noticing how good I feel. That motivation carried me over through lunch; even though the kids, told to make their own, had splattered the table with pepperoni slices, saltine crackers, sliced bananas and sliced oranges… I wanted nothing more than a big salad, which I filled up with avocado (a whole avocado just for me! heaven) and turkey and chopped apple, and vinaigrette the way I like it (1 part Dijon mustard, 1 part red wine vinegar, 2 parts olive oil, plenty of salt and pepper).
I'm sitting with MJ on my lap, I'm drinking a hot cup of my favorite herb tea, and I feel so much better.
Isn't it funny how hard we make it, sometimes, to do what not only is good for us, but what feels good too?
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