Gains, pt 2. What’s wrong with me.

(If you just got here you might read part 1 first)

 

Here’s the root of my weight problem [in 2008, that is]:  I have an irrational fear of getting hungry.

 

I tell people this and always someone wants to figure out Now why do you think that is?   Supposedly it is because my parents made me clean my plate (they didn’t), or it’s because we couldn’t afford enough food when I was growing up (rather the opposite), or it’s because my mother fed me formula on a schedule (formula yes, schedule no), or it’s because I have a yawning emotional hole that I am trying to fill with food (plausible for previous periods in my life but not now).  More likely I think is that it’s related to being hypoglycemic from my preteen years until my first pregnancy, though there’s kind of a chicken-and-egg problem with that argument.  Frankly, I don’t care where it came from.  But there it is.

 

Consider the evidence:

 

• I tend to “stock up” at meals by eating extra.  I catch myself explicitly thinking, “I’d better eat more now so I won’t get hungry later.”
• There are certain foods that I eat compulsively if they are just sitting around as leftovers, even if they don’t taste very good to me. Never sweets, always carbohydrates, great for packing in as many calories as possible in a short period of time.  White rice; plain pasta; tortilla chips; dry cereal; white bread; pizza; saltine crackers.  I can still eat a whole sleeve of saltine crackers, no problem.  (No wonder going low carb helped me.  Eliminating these things from my house was a good thing.)
• I rely on external cues to tell me how much to eat.  If people around me are eating, I do too.  If there’s still food on the table, I have another helping.  If something will be thrown out if I don’t eat it, I eat some.
• I get very antsy on road trips as mealtime approaches, if we haven’t yet planned when and where we’re going to stop for the next meal.
• I get irrationally irritated when I’m over at someone’s house for dinner and dinner is delayed for some reason.  I have to squelch the urge to keep asking, “So, when’s dinner going to be ready?”   I mean, I know it makes me a terrible guest, so I do my best, but it’s really hard!
• My friends who dine with me regularly will tell you that whenever I am responsible for feeding a crowd, I am very preoccupied with there being “enough” food. Either I make too much, or I start apologizing for it the minute people arrive. “Erin!  Chill out!  If we get hungry we’ll make some sandwiches!”  Doesn’t matter.  Hostess anxiety is my lot in life.
• Oh, and then there’s this recurring dream I keep having where someone gives me piles and piles of food and I know that I have to eat it.  The menu, the reason I have to eat the stuff, and the setting varies (buffet restaurant; friend’s house; interview luncheon), but the theme is always there.  I have had this dream for as long as I can remember, maybe five or six times a year.

 

Ready to psychoanalyze me yet?  Look, you can call it “gluttony” if you want.  I won’t shy away from that term.  It is a self-centered way to be, I’m tired of it, and I’d be a better person if I overcame it.

I think there’s two basic approaches to this problem.  I don’t see any reason why they can’t be applied simultaneously.

#1 Get over the fear (and maybe some of the self-centeredness that goes with it) of being hungry

#2 Find ways to soothe the fear of hunger that don’t involve pre-emptive stuffing

Part of the reason it’s working, I’m convinced, is that I’ve sort of accidentally solved problem #2, or at least I’ve found a couple of strategies that work, surprisingly well.  And I’m organizing everything I do around #1:  getting used to the idea that Hungry Is OK.

 

More later.

 

(Part 3)