It seems amazing to me that it’s been seventeen years since I first began writing seriously about the weight loss I experienced in 2008. I’m revisiting some of those posts now as I work on getting my blog tidied up now that it’s moved to WordPress.
One major reason for the revision is that I’ve come to reject some of the language I used during that series—and it’s all the more important that I go back and add some caveats and things because that language really seemed to resonate with people. I’ve been meaning to do it for a long time, and so I’m glad I finally have a chance to do so.
Some of the mental habits I developed along the way were not very healthy ones, and I came to a place later on where I decided I would rather have a healthier mindset and accept a larger body if that turned out to be the consequence. I don’t regret that change one bit.
I also would like to strengthen the position that body size is not supposed to be a source of shame, period, nor a reason to deprive anyone of access to medical care, education, transportation, or recreational facilities. I don’t know if it is possible to go back to those old posts and keep what’s useful in them but still remove any material that inadvertently reinforced all the societal expectations which create adverse mental, physical, and social health outcomes for people who have larger bodies. Instead I’m choosing to acknowledge that I didn’t consider that enough, to assert that it was negligent on my part, and to leave the posts up. I hope that’s the correct decision, or at least sufficient.
So let’s take a look at some of that old stuff.
“I decided to try, um, eating less…. I started [a food diary]… more like a feed-forward record, or a plan… I carried planned, premeasured snacks… I believe that… my habits have been addressing the underlying mental defect that’s been causing my lifelong weight dysfunction… I thought to myself, ‘I’m ready to try being okay with being hungry.’”
Gains part 2. What’s wrong with me.
“Here’s the root of my problem [in 2008, remember!]: I have an irrational fear of getting hungry.”
Was this an accurate assessment then? Is it still true?
Speaking now in 2025: I am extremely confident that this was true then, and also that it is not at all true now. One way or another, I killed that fear dead.
I wrote out the evidence. It’s interesting to look at it now because some of it is entirely absent from my life now. For example:
- I used to explicitly think “I’d better eat extra so I won’t be hungry later.” Nope. I am not thinking that.
- “I get very antsy on road trips as mealtime approaches.” No. This is no longer a problem. I might get interested in thinking about what I’ll get to eat, as I get hungrier, but I’m not worried about it. This is now a fear-free situation.
- “I get irrationally irritated when I’m at someone’s house for dinner and food is delayed.” No. This is not a big deal at all. I can deal with not knowing when dinner will be.
And here are some elements that I identified as “fear of hunger” that are still kind of an issue. But without the context of the missing three items above, I no longer interpret them as a “fear of hunger” thing.
- “Certain foods that I eat compulsively if they are just sitting around.” That is still kind of true, although I’m less likely to do it if they aren’t something I actually really like a lot.
- “I rely on external cues” like if there is food left, if others are eating, if something will be thrown out. Yes, this is still an issue.
- “When I am responsible for feeding a crowd, I am very preoccupied with there being ‘enough’ food.” Okay, this is still true. But even back then, I tagged it as “hostess anxiety” and, well, it still is, I guess.
- “Recurring dream… where someone gives me piles and piles of food and I know I have to eat it.” I still do get that sometimes.
The only one that I think might perhaps qualify as evidence of being preoccupied with hunger is the last one, and it’s just my subconscious dealing with some kind of anxiety about food.
Instead, I have… sort of ordinary issues? Environmental ones? Maybe more having to do with the social interaction aspects of eating and serving and enjoying food with other people? None of which I would classify as an “underlying mental defect.”
So, back then, I described my success as having a two-prong approach: find ways to soothe the fear of hunger that didn’t involve pre-emptive eating (for example, pre-emptive carrying of snacks), and getting used to the idea that hunger is okay.
…But now, I already know that hunger is okay. I’m actually pretty good at hunger! So what worked then primarily on that particular problem is not likely to do anything for me now.
On the other hand, I can explore the social-interaction and environment aspects. They might not ever have really been evidence of fear of hunger at all, but instead may have been evidence of something else that caused me trouble. Maybe circling back to those will do me some good.
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I’m in a whole new stage of life now. I’ve been through whole stages of life! In July 2008 I was thirty-three years old. I had three children under the age of eight. I was breastfeeding a toddler. Back then, raising children took most of my attention, and even though I was thinking a lot about taking care of my own health and improving it, a lot of it was because I hoped to have another pregnancy and wanted to be in better condition for it, and maybe come out on the other side without having put on a bunch of weight that wouldn’t come off (because I was thinking about trying to be thinner, too).
Now I’m fifty-one years old. Those three children are adults. I did go on to have two more children, who are now a teen and a tween. I stopped breastfeeding, let’s see, seven and a half years ago maybe? And now when I think about taking care of my own health and improving it, I’m thinking about aging well. I’m thinking about taking steps to not fracture my hip someday. I’m thinking about protecting my heart and lungs. I’m thinking about remaining flexible and strong. I’m wondering how menopause, which hasn’t come close to starting yet, will treat me.
This isn’t unrelated to the “good life” stuff I mentioned before; in fact it’s quite related. I think since I’m digging into my archives anyway and revising and revisiting them, I will use those old posts as springboards for thinking about the future. Stick around and we will see where they take me.
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