So how did I do? How did my first-ever post-glutton, post-eating-disorder fast day go?
Purely on the level of… coping with the fast? Setting the spiritual aside for a moment? On the same level as if I'd had to fast for, say, a blood test or something?
Well. Let me tell you. I still have… issues. That fear-of-getting-hungry thing? It's still there a bit, hiding beneath the surface.
Case in point: where I was at 11:45 p.m. Tuesday night. Care to guess?
Dingalingaling! "Standing in front of the refrigerator, panicked, eating food at random!" Boy, I haven't done that in a while. Months, at least. It was notable, if only because… I haven't done that in a while. Months, at least.
Also because I was uncomfortably aware of the sensation of an overfull stomach. It began to seem like a really good idea not to have breakfast the next morning, fast day or not.
So. Wednesday I fasted on vegetable broth (ok… and black coffee) till 3 pm, ate a balanced meal with my kids (meatless lasagna, leeks, fruit salad, and bread), and then returned to the vegetable broth.
Did I get hungry? You betcha. Did I notice I was hungry? Oh yes.
I went to bed around 10, wondering if I was going to wake after midnight and head downstairs for another binge.
About 2:30 in the morning I woke up with a growling stomach. I considered staying in bed, but then went downstairs. And amazed myself.
Because I didn't want to binge. I had a light meal of leftover leeks, about a half cup of pasta, and some sauce. And went back to bed.
I think I've learned a few things. And I think I'm… well. At least, more well than I have ever been before. The last year has changed me, really healed me. I bet I can manage Holy Thursday with no binges at all.