Oscar, age 5-nearly-6, is at Reptiles and Amphibians Day Camp this week. I have to leave to go pick him up in about half an hour.
It looks like a cool camp. When I arrived early yesterday, the children were standing in a circle with their hands behind their backs, while another child in the middle turned around slowly, solemnly waving at the others a metal antenna as big as himself. Turned out that it was Turtle Day, and they were playing "Turtle Telemetry." One of the kids in the circle, the "turtle," was clutching the transmitter. I guess the nature center must track the movements of some of the local turtles, inspiring this game.
What a milestone! It was not that long ago that he was pretty reluctant to be left anywhere for any reason. We used to call it the "I hate the teacher" syndrome. Ski lessons, swim lessons, nature center classes, it didn’t matter. I don’t want to go. I hate the teacher. A year ago I signed him up for Catholic Vacation Bible School at our parish, from 9 to 12 for five mornings, and the first day I stayed in his classroom to keep him from getting distraught. (There were perhaps three other children in his classroom whose parents had to stay.) After the first day he was fine. And here I am leaving him in the suburbs for five hours in a row! With a brown bag lunch, even! And he’s perfectly happy about it. Amazing.
As opportunities have come up that have required him to separate from us for a half-hour or longer, we’ve tried to gently nudge him ever so slightly outside his comfort level. I do have respect for parents who choose to wait until a child is completely confident before starting lessons or activities or hourly child-care situations. But we’ve tried to be sensitive to Oscar’s anxiousness, and are willing to pull back/cancel/stay in the room/take more time when he needs it, and so we’ve felt pretty comfortable challenging him to step out a little bit. It’s not difficult to back off if necessary.
We tried to start swim lessons when he was four. Initially we thought private lessons, with Dad in the water close by, would be best. The first lesson, he clung to Dad and refused to listen to the teacher, telling us afterward that he didn’t like her. The second lesson wasn’t any better. So — we stopped those and decided to wait. A couple of months later he had his first ski lessons, on a family trip to Utah, and (shockingly to us) he seemed much happier in the group lesson than in a private lesson. So when we got back we signed him up for group swimming lessons. And that went better. He liked having the other kids around him. Maybe it took some of the pressure off.
He came up with a "goodbye ritual" that helped him separate. Two kisses, two hugs, four waves and the "little hand". Woe to the mommy or daddy that got the numbers wrong or put them out of order! It was the difference between a child who dried his tears and ran off to join the other kids, and the child who clung to daddy’s knees and wept for many minutes. We soon learned that if we took the time to be present and visible through the first session of some class or lesson, walked him through it once so to speak, he’d be able to go it alone for subsequent sessions. And also, from watching him through the window at his swimming lessons, learned that for some reason he will say he didn’t like it and doesn’t want to go back, when we can see him laughing and having fun the whole time. (Never did figure that one out. Eventually he began to admit to enjoying himself.)
Every child’s different; who knows what patience Milo and unborn #3 will need from us? But it’s nice to see Oscar grown so confident, asking us to read the brochure to him so he can pick out a camp for next year, maybe something even longer, even farther from home. Time’s fun when you’re having flies, as perhaps he’s learning now, since it’s Frog Day.
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